Best Jokes This Week
A guy walked into a bar and saw a sign that said cheeseburgers 3$ hotdogs 5$ and handjobs 10$ He goes to the bar and asks the lady "are you the one that gives handjobs" and she said yes, then he replied "well wash your hands I want a cheeseburger
An elderly woman that had lost her husband a couple years ago decided that it was time for a new husband. So being the old fashioned woman she is, put an add in the paper. It stated. Looking for a husband. Must not run around. Must not hit on me but must also be good in bed.Well one day she heard the door bell ring. When she answered it, she was shocked to see a man in a wheelchair with no arms or legs.
Man: afternoon ma'am. I'm here about the add in the paper.
Woman: you? But your in a wheelchair.
Man: well you see I have no legs so I won't run around on you.
Man: you see I have no arms so I can't hit on you.
Woman: yes that's true. But are you good in bed?
Man: I rang the doorbell didn't I.
There is a husband and a wife. The husband dies, and during the funeral, the wife starts to laugh. Everybody starts to ask her why, and she says, "This is the first time that I know where my husband is going."
Here's a joke a friend told me:
So there's a man and a woman in a bar and the man turns to the woman and says "Hey, I've got this magic water that can make me fly." Then the woman says "I don't believe you. Show me."
So the man downs a magic water and gets on the top of the roof, jumps off, and flies back on. The woman says "Wow! Do that again!"
And so the man goes back downstairs to drink another magic water, gets back on the roof, jumps off, flies back on. The woman says
"Whoa! I gotta try that for myself!" The woman goes downstairs, asks the bar tender for some magic water, drinks it, gets on the roof, jumps off, and dies.
When the man comes back downstairs the bar tender says to him,
"You know Super Man, you're a real jerk when you're drunk."
One day, a space ship landed in a farmer's field and a Martian man and his wife got out and introduced themselves to the farmer and his wife. As a token of his friendship, the farmer immediately invited the Martian couple in his home and begged them to stay for the evening and have dinner, so the Martians agreed. Later that night, the Martian man explained how, on their planet, it was customary to swap partners as a token of friendship. The farmer, not wanting to offend his alien neighbors, readily agreed. The Martian then man took the farmer's wife into one bedroom while the farmer took the Martian woman into another. They had been having sex for about an hour when the Martian man asked the farmer's wife, "Well, how do you like having sex with a Martian? How does it feel?" The farmer's wife replied "It needs to be a little bigger around." So the Martian man twisted his right ear and presto, his penis became bigger around. About an hour later, the Martian man asked the farmer's wife again "How does it feel now?" The farmer's wife responded "I think it needs to be a little longer." So the Martian man twisted his left ear and presto, his penis became longer. The next morning, after their alien neighbors had left, the farmer and his wife were having coffee at the breakfast table and the farmer asked his wife "How was the Martian man?" To this, the farmer's wife replied "Fine." "And how about the Martian woman?" The farmer replied, "That damn b*tch yanked on my f*cking ears all night long!"
A boy is selling fish on a corner. To get his customers' attention, he is yelling, "Dam fish for sale! Get your dam fish here!" A pastor hears this and asks, "Why are you calling them 'dam fish.'" The boy responds, "Because I caught these fish at the local dam." The pastor buys a couple fish, takes them home to his wife, and asks her to cook the dam fish. The wife responds surprised, "I didn't know it was acceptable for a preacher to speak that way." He explains to her why they are dam fish. Later at the dinner table, he asks his son to pass the dam fish. He responds, "That's the spirit, Dad! Now pass the f*cking potatoes!"
Use this joke on someone you hate xD
You: Why did the chicken cross the road?
Bitch: idk why?
You: To get to the annoying b*tches house, but wait I have another, knock knock.
Bitch: Who's There