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Add a word to ruin a movie:
- Batman Begins College
- The Longest Yard Sale
- Charlottes Web Cam.
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it's funny how after an argument is over, you start to think about more clever shit you could have said
DO NOT READ THE NEXT SENTENCE.You little rebel, I like you.
Husband: Honey, do u smell that?
Husband: Yeah, me neither, start cooking.
Teacher: What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
Student: A teacher!
That moment when you're talking a test and you want everyone to know you're ahead so you flip the page as loud as possible.
Boy and girl: asked the teacher very important question?"can kids of our age have kids?"Teacher replied " NO Never!!"Boy said to girl :"see i told you not to worry!!!!
Got arrested at the airport last week. Apparently, security doesn't appreciate it when you call "shotgun" before boarding a plane.
Election and Erection are spelled almost exactly the same. They both mean the same thing too. A dick rising to power.
I just saw two elementary school kids having a fist fight. So as an adult I had to step in. They didn't stand a chance.
What's the point in blurring out the middle finger on television? Like, oh you fooled me, what's behind that blur? An umbrella? An elephant?
Me- "What mouse walks on 2 feet?"Friend- "I don't know"Me- "Mickey Mouse, what duck walks on 2 feet?"Friend- "Donald Duck?"Me- "No, all ducks dipshit"Friend- "Screw you"
If a girl ever pulls a knife out on you during an argument, pull out some bread and mayo. Her woman instincts will kick in and she'll make you a sandwich.
That frustrating moment when your almost done with your cereal and the last five pieces are like, "Haha! catch me if you can"
When I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday she said 'Just gimme something with diamonds.' That's why I got her a pack of cards.
Women can walk around all day long in a bikini, but God forbid if you see them in their bras and panties.
What's the difference between a woman's argument and a knife?The knife has a point.
Me: should I get into trouble for something I didn't do?Teacher: NoMe: Good, because I didn't do my homework.
I was just sitting around, doing nothing, when I was arrested for impersonating the President of the United States.
Wifi went down for five minutes, so i had to talk to my family. They seem like nice people.