Best Long Jokes This Year
Do you hate it when people change your jokes a little bit then they get all the credit? Kickass this post so much so that we can stop those copy-catting assholes who are too stupid to come up with an awesome joke by themselves. WE WILL GET RID OF COPY CATS IN KICKASS HUMOR. Kickass this to make a change :)
Boy: Ah at last. I can hardly wait.
Girl: Do you want me to leave?
Boy: No don't even think about it.
Girl: Do you love me?
Boy: Of Course. Always have and always will.
Girl: Have you ever cheated on me?
Boy: Never. Why are you even asking?
Girl: Will you kiss me?
Boy: Every chance I get.
Girl: Will you hit me?
Boy: Hell no. Are you crazy?
Girl: Can I trust you?
After Marriage: (Read from bottom to top)
A woman was out golfing one day when she hit her ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you 3 wishes."
The woman freed the frog.
The frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes that whatever you wish for, your husband will get 10 times more or better!"
The woman said, "That would be okay."
For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.
The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis, that women will flock to."
The woman replied, "That will be okay because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will only have eyes for me." So, KAZAM she's the most beautiful woman in the world!
For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you."
The woman said, "That will be okay because what's mine is his and what's his is mine."
So, KAZAM she's the richest woman in the world!
The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered. "I'd like a mild heart attack."
Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them!
Attention female readers: This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good!
Male readers: Please scroll down.
The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife!!!
Moral of the story: Women are really dumb but think they're really smart!
Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show!
PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen!!!
Little Johnny and Little Jack were playing the Penis game, a game where you shout 'penis' louder and louder.
Little Johnny: Wanna play the penis game?
Little Jack: Ok
Little Johnny: penis
Little Jack: Penis
Little Johnny: PEnis
Little Jack: PENis
Little Johnny: PENIS!
Teacher: LITTLE JOHNNY! GO TO THE FRONT OFFICE, NOW!
Little Johnny: Okay :(
--2 Minutes Later--
Little Johnny Over the Intercom: PENIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Mr. Bear and Mr. Rabbit didn't like each other very much. One day, while walking through the woods, they came across a golden frog.
They were amazed when the frog talked to them. The golden frog admitted that he didn't often meet anyone, but, when he did, he always gave them six wishes. He told them that they could have 3 wishes each.
Mr. Bear immediately wished that all the other bears in the forest were females. The frog granted his wish. Mr. Rabbit, after thinking for a while, wished for a crash helmet. One appeared immediately, and he placed it on his head. Mr. Bear was amazed at Mr. Rabbit's wish, but carried on with his second wish. He wished that all the bears in the neighboring forests were females as well, and the frog granted his wish.
Mr. Rabbit then wished for a motorcycle. It appeared before him, and he climbed on board and started revving the engine. Mr. Bear could not believe it and Complained that Mr. Rabbit had wasted two wishes that he could have had for himself. Shaking his head, Mr. Bear made his final wish, that all the other bears in the world were females as well, leaving him as the only male bear in the world.
The frog replied that it had been done, and they both turned to Mr. Rabbit for his last wish. Mr. Rabbit revved the engine, thought for a second, then said, "I wish that Mr. Bear was gay!" and rode off as fast as he could!
Four Husbands are at the lobby waiting for the nurse to tell them about the babies their wives gave birth to. The nurse walks up to the first man and says: Congratulations your wife gave birth to twins! The man says: That's odd, because I work at a restaurant called 2 cities. The nurse walks up to the second man and says: Congratulations your wife gave birth to triplets! The man says: Thats weird because I work at a factory called 3 continents. The nurse walks up to the third guy and says: Congratulations your wife gave birth to Quadruplets! The man says: Thats very odd, because I work at the four seasons hotel! The fourth man starts crying. One of the men says: What's wrong? The fourth man responds: I work at 7up..
One day a kid was sitting at home waiting for his relatives to come over. He overheard his parents fighting with each other yelling "YOU BITCH" "YOU BASTARD".
Being so young, the kid had never heard those words before and asked his parents what they meant. They replied by saying "Bitch means lady and bastard means gentlemen". Satisfied with this answer the boy went to his room.
Then he heard the neighbors having sex. They were repeating the words "DICK and "CUNT" over and over and over. Again, the boy was curious and asked his parents what those words meant. Thinking fast, his mother said "Dick means coat and cunt means jackets."
Once again the boy was satisfied with the answer and headed to the bathroom, but his father was shaving and the boy had to wait. Fearing that the boy might wet himself, the father shaved faster. He went a little to quick and ended up cutting himself, "SHIT!!!!!" he yelled. "What's shit mean daddy," the boy asked . The father, stuck for an answer said, "it means shaving cream."
The boy did his "business" and his dad went back to shaving. His next stop was the kitchen, there he saw his mother preparing the turkey. As she reached for a knife she ended up cutting herself. "AW FUCK!!", she yelled. "What's f*ck mean mommy", the boy asked. "It means stuffing the turkey."
Finally, the guest arrived, the boy went to the door and said, "Hello b*tches and bastards, may I take your dicks and cunts? Dad's in the bathroom putting shit on his face and Mom is in the kitchen f*cking the turkey!
Anant called home one afternoon to see what his wife was making for dinner.
"Hello?" said a little girl's voice.
"Hi, honey, it's Daddy," said Anant. "Is mommy near the phone?"
"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with uncle Frank." After a brief pause, Anant said, "But you don't have an Uncle Frank, honey!"
"Yes I do. He's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy!"
"Okay, then. Here's what I want you to do. Put down the phone, run upstairs, knock on the bedroom door and shout in to Mommy and Uncle Frank that my car just pulled up outside the house."
A few minutes later, the little girl came back to the phone. "Well, I did what you said, Daddy."
"And what happened?"
"Well, Mommy jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went out the front window and now she's all dead."
"Oh my god! What about Uncle Frank?"
"He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too and he was all scared and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool, but he must have forgot that you took out all the water last week to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool, and now he's dead too."
There was a long pause, then Anant said, "Swimming pool? Is this 555-7039?"
There were three guys in a hot air balloon, one said "We have too many of these." And droped a piece of wood. The second guy said "We have too many of these." And droped a brick. The last guy said "We have too many of these." And droped a bomb.
On the ground was a police officer who found a guy crying, "Why are you crying?" "A plank of wood hit me on the head!" he replies. On the officer went. He then saw another guy crying, "Why are you crying?" "A brick hit me on the head!" he replied. On he goes then sees a guy laughing. "Why are you laughing?" He asked. "I farted and the building behind me blew up!"
Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant.
While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.
One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, 'Kin ya swallar?'
The woman shakes her head no.
Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'
The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.
As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table.His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it.
In the mall there were 3 robbers who was being chased by a police. The three robbers found a 3 sacks ,now each of them have a sack, they hid inside the sack and then later the police walks by and saw the 3 sacks,the police kicked the first sack
the guy in the 1st sack said "woff,woff" the police said Oh! its only a dog,then he kicked the 2nd bag and the 2nd guy said "meow,meow" then the police said Oh! its only a cat,and then finaly the police kicked the 3rd sack and nothing happens he kicked it again and still nothing happens he kicked it for the last time and finally the 3rd guy in the sack said "Fuck You" I'm a potato i'm not suppose to speak.....
Parody of "Jingle Bells"
Dashing through the snow, on a pair of broken skis
Over the hills we go, crashing into trees!
The snow is turning red, I think I might be dead,
I woke up in the hospital with stitches in my head, oh!
9-1-1, 9-1-1, Santa Claus is dead!
Rudolph took a .44 and shot him in the head, oh!
Barbie Doll, Barbie Doll, tried to save his life,
But G.I. Joe from Mexico stabbed him with a knife!
So there is this boy who has a speaking disability. One day he goes down to the bakery and asks for a bum, the person at the counter says "Don't you mean a bun?" The boy replies with yeah yeah whatever. He then decides to go down to the hardware store and asks for a f*ck it, The person at the counter says "Don't you mean a bucket?" The boy replies with yeah yeah whatever. He then goes to the pet store to get a dog, he asks for a cock and spank it, The lady at the counter replies with "Don't you mean a cocker spaniel?" He replies with yeah yeah whatever. That afternoon he loses his dog, he goes up to a random woman and says
"Can you please hold my bum and f*ck it while I go find my cock and spank it?"
In private beer party, one kid was disturbing group by asking all silly questions. Everyone wss getting annoyed. One mexican from group told others - Dont worry. I will manage him.
He took him in one corner for 5 minutes, later on kid didn't bothered them at all infact he didn't came out of room.
Everyone asked mexican how he managed.
Mexican said- not to worry. He won't disturb us now.
I taught him, how to do mastrubation.
One day, a father and his daughter are together. The father is putting the daughter to sleep. After the father leaves, he hears her saying her prayers. He hears her say, '' God bless mommy, daddy, and grandma, rest in peace grandpa. The father hears all of this and barges back into the room. He asks her, '' Why did you say the last part? '' The daughter replies, '' Because I needed to. '' The next day, grandpa dies. The father thinks, '' Is this just a coincidence? ''
That night he tucks her daughter into bed. He leaves the room to only hear her prayers again. He hears, '' Bless mommy and daddy, rest in peace grandma. '' The father now is thinking, '' Holy shit, my daughter can see into the future? '' The next day, grandma dies. A week later nothing happens, but the night before Sunday, he is tucking his daughter into bed once more. He leaves and listens for any more prayers. Sure enough, there is another prayer. He hears, '' Bless you mommy, rest in peace daddy. '' The father starts panicking and saying, '' Holy shit! I'm going to die tomorrow! '' The following start of the next day consisted the father being alert all the time, checking the clock, looking around the room, etc. He goes to work to do the same things, being alert, all of that. He looks at the clock again 3 hours later. It's past midnight. The father says, '' How is this possible? I should be dead! '' He goes home and finds his wife on the couch with a scared look on her face. She asks, '' What took you so long!? '' The father says, '' Listen honey, today I haven't had the best of days. '' Then as soon as he is about to tell what happened, she bursts out, '' I saw the mailman die yesterday! ''
Never Argue With Children
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl said,"When i get to heaven i will ask Jonah." The teacher asked,"What if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl replied,"Then you ask him."
Two women friends met after many years.
"Tell me," said one, "What happened to your son?"
"My son? the poor, poor lad!" sighed the other. "What an unfortunate marriage he made to a girl who won't do a stitch of work in the house. She won't cook, she won't sew, she won't wash or clean. All she does is sleep and loaf and read in bed. The poor boy even has to bring her breakfast in bed, would you believe it?"
"That's really awful!"
"And what about your daughter?"
"Ah, now she's the lucky one! She married an angel. He won't let her do anything in the house. He has servants to do the cooking and sewing and washing and leaning. And each morning he brings her breakfast in bed, would you believe it? All she does is sleep for as long as she wishes and spends the rest of the day relaxing and reading in bed."
Perfect contraceptive method
To prevent accidental pregnancy due to condom failure. World conferences topic was to discuss perfect method to avoid pregnancy. All scientist submitted there research. A jew scientist came with great idea which won price. He told - To prevent the condom failure use 2 condom with chilly powder in between. If inner condom is torn he will know it immediately. If outer condom breaks, she will know it !
An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained. "Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing." The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."