Best Long Jokes This Year
Boy: Ah at last. I can hardly wait.
Girl: Do you want me to leave?
Boy: No don't even think about it.
Girl: Do you love me?
Boy: Of Course. Always have and always will.
Girl: Have you ever cheated on me?
Boy: Never. Why are you even asking?
Girl: Will you kiss me?
Boy: Every chance I get.
Girl: Will you hit me?
Boy: Hell no. Are you crazy?
Girl: Can I trust you?
After Marriage: (Read from bottom to top)
Parody of "Jingle Bells"
Dashing through the snow, on a pair of broken skis
Over the hills we go, crashing into trees!
The snow is turning red, I think I might be dead,
I woke up in the hospital with stitches in my head, oh!
9-1-1, 9-1-1, Santa Claus is dead!
Rudolph took a .44 and shot him in the head, oh!
Barbie Doll, Barbie Doll, tried to save his life,
But G.I. Joe from Mexico stabbed him with a knife!
One day, a father and his daughter are together. The father is putting the daughter to sleep. After the father leaves, he hears her saying her prayers. He hears her say, '' God bless mommy, daddy, and grandma, rest in peace grandpa. The father hears all of this and barges back into the room. He asks her, '' Why did you say the last part? '' The daughter replies, '' Because I needed to. '' The next day, grandpa dies. The father thinks, '' Is this just a coincidence? ''
That night he tucks her daughter into bed. He leaves the room to only hear her prayers again. He hears, '' Bless mommy and daddy, rest in peace grandma. '' The father now is thinking, '' Holy shit, my daughter can see into the future? '' The next day, grandma dies. A week later nothing happens, but the night before Sunday, he is tucking his daughter into bed once more. He leaves and listens for any more prayers. Sure enough, there is another prayer. He hears, '' Bless you mommy, rest in peace daddy. '' The father starts panicking and saying, '' Holy shit! I'm going to die tomorrow! '' The following start of the next day consisted the father being alert all the time, checking the clock, looking around the room, etc. He goes to work to do the same things, being alert, all of that. He looks at the clock again 3 hours later. It's past midnight. The father says, '' How is this possible? I should be dead! '' He goes home and finds his wife on the couch with a scared look on her face. She asks, '' What took you so long!? '' The father says, '' Listen honey, today I haven't had the best of days. '' Then as soon as he is about to tell what happened, she bursts out, '' I saw the mailman die yesterday! ''
Boy: Ah, finally, I've waited so long.
Girl: You want me to leave?
Boy: No. I dare to not even think about it.
Girl: Do you love me?
Boy: Of course. Lots!
Girl: Have you ever cheated on me?
Boy: No! Why are you asking me?
Girl: Will you kiss me?
Boy: Every time I get the chance!
Girl: Will you ever hit me?
Boy: Are you crazy? Of course not!
Girl: Can I trust you?
Now Read it Backwards.
a guy is walking when suddenly falls and injures his hand. on his way to the hospital, he sees this huge ad on a new machine,the ad claimed that the machine is able to diagnose any disease and write treatment plans for it only by taking urine sample. the man walks to the machine puts a penny in it and then gives the sample. after a few beeps, a note comes out "your hand's tendon is injured, don't put it under any stress and exercise". the man was amazed and decides to mess with the machine, so when he reaches home, he takes a bottle, then pours some water in it, then makes his dog urinate in it, and then sees his daughter's chewed gum on floor so puts it on the bottle also, and finally to sum it up, masturbates in the bottle. then heads towards the machine and gives the sample to the machine. after 10 minutes of strange noises and sounds that machine made, a note comes out "your water pipe will clog soon, be sure to fix it. your dog will die in 2 weeks, be prepared for it. your daughter is pregnant, go beat the boy living upstairs. and if u keep masturbating like this, your injured tendon won't heal!"
An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained. "Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing." The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."
Me:Dude,you should see the movie i watched yesterday.It is messed up.
Friend:Well whats it about?
Me:Its about a guy whose wife is brutally murdered,leaving his son physically disabled and in a twisted turn of events his son gets kidnapped and he has to find his sons kidnappers with the help of a mentally disabled woman.
Friend:Cool whats it called?
one night in a bar a man walked up to the barman and said "you see that glass in the other end of the bar? I bet you $100 I can piss in it from here." the barman says "you're on !" so the guy starts to piss everywhere on everyone even the barman, exept for the glass. "Ha!" says the barman. "you owe me $100" so the guy says "wait here." and he walks to a pool table and gets money from someone and they laugh. "here it is" the man says. "thanks. By the way, why did you two laugh ? you lost the bet" "oh" says the man. "I bet him $1000 i could piss everywhere in the bar and even on you and you'd still be smiling"
Last week, my girlfriend and i were in bed kissing passionately and getting sensual. As our passion began to heat'up, she said..... "NO BABY I DON'T FEEL LIKE DOING IT, I Just Want You To Hold Me".
I screamed "WHAT??!!" "What Was That?!"
She replied...."You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man".
She further added...."Can't you just love me for who i am, and not what i do for you in the bedroom?".
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, i just went to sleep.
The next day, i decided to cancel going to school so that i could spend time with her.
We went out and had a nice lunch, then i took her shopping at a very big boutique.
I walked around with her as she tried on several expensive outfits.
She couldn't decide which one to take, so i told her we would just buy them all.
She wanted new shoes to go with her new clothes, so i surprised her by telling her to just get a pair of shoes for each cloth she selects.
We went over to the jewelry section where she picked'out a pair of gold earrings.
She was so excited, she also asked for a Bracelet and a Wrist'Watch, and i surprised her further when i replied..."That's Okay Honey, You Can Have Them All".
She was on'top of the world from all the excitement.
Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said...."I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier".
I could hardly contain myself when i replied her...."NO BABY I DON'T FEEL LIKE DOING IT".
Her face went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled "WHAT"??!!.
I further said...."Honey I Just Want You To Hold Those Things For A While". "You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman".
Just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, i further added....
"Why can't you just love me for who i am, and not for the things i buy you?".
Apparently she won't allow me touch her this night either, but at least she knows am smarter than her.
A man arrives at a physician, the doctor asks for the problem, the man says that he has a severe back-ache, the doctor asks for the reason that caused the backache, the man explains "this morning, when i got back home from my night shift at work, i saw my wife naked in bad asleep, and there were evidence of a man's presence, so i immediately began searching for the bastard, when i looked out of window, i saw a naked man down in the alley wearing cloth, i lifted the nearest object which was the refrigerator and dropped it out in the alley and it landed on man in the alley. the reason was the lifting". the doctor were shocked and then wrote some drugs in the prescription and the first man leaves. the second man arrives at the physician. doctor asks for the problem and gets "severe back-ache" again, when asks for reason behind it, hears "this morning i woke up late and were very late for work, so i decided to wear my cloth on the way, so i ran to the alley naked and began to wear my cloth there when suddenly a heavy object was dropped on me, i guess the reason was being hit by that object."; the doctor was shocked even more, and then wrote some drugs for him. the third man enters and complains about same problem "severe back-ache", the doctor which was shocked to the very existence, sarcastically told the man "did u lift a refrigerator or got hit by a refrigerator?", the man replied "No, i was inside the refrigerator"
Three men, a philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot, were out riding in the car when it crashed into a tree. Before anyone knows it, the three men found themselves standing before the pearly gates of Heaven, where St. Peter and the Devil were standing nearby. "Gentlemen," the Devil started, "Due to the fact that Heaven is now overcrowded, St. Peter has agreed to limit the number of people entering Heaven. If anyone of you can ask me a question which I don't know or cannot answer, then you're worthy enough to go to Heaven; if not, then you'll come with me to Hell."
The philosopher then stepped up, "OK, give me the most comprehensive report on Socrates' teachings." With a snap of his finger, a stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The philosopher read it and concluded it was correct. "Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his finger, the philosopher disappeared.
The mathematician then asked, "Give me the most complicated formula ever theorized!" With a snap of his finger, another stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The mathematician read it and reluctantly agreed it was correct. "Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his finger, the mathematician disappeared too.
The idiot then stepped forward and said, "Bring me a chair!" The Devil brought forward a chair. "Drill 7 holes on the seat." The Devil did just that. The idiot then sat on the chair and let out a very loud fart. Standing up, he asked, "Which hole did my fart come out from?" The Devil inspected the seat and said,"The third hole from the right." "Wrong," said the idiot, "it's from my asshole." And the idiot went to heaven.
I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Joseph, the 14 year old next door whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, and asked him to come over.
Joseph clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.
As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?"
He replied, "It was an ID ten T error."
I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, "An ID Ten T error?
What's that? In case I need to fix it again."
Joseph grinned, "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?"
"No", I replied.
"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."
So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T
I used to like that little boy.
A guy gets pulled over by police, “Step out of the car” says the cop, “I am going to need you to take a breathalyzer test.” “I can’t”, the guy says “I have very bad asthma, that can set off an attack.” “Alright,” says the cop, “then you’re going to have to take a blood test.” “Can’t do that either,” Jim replies, “I am a hemophiliac, if a wound is opened, I won’t stop bleeding, and I could bleed to death.” “Ok,” the cop answers “then I will need a urine sample.” “Sorry,” says Jim “I also have diabetes, that could push my sugar count really low.” “Fine, so just come on out, and walk a straight line for me.” “Can’t do that either” responds Jim. “Why not?” asked the cop. “Well, because I’m drunk you Dick!" "I could go to jail!"
This story takes place in the Great Depression era.
A man walks into a bar, he sees a donkey crying in the corner with a bucket of quarters next to him. He walks up to the bartender and asks, '' What's wrong with the donkey? '' The bartender replies, '' He's been crying all week, I can't get him to stop. He's been driving away all of my customers. '' The man looks at the donkey and says, '' Can I be of help? '' The bartender looks up at the man with a very excited face. The bartender says, '' If you could do that, the bucket of quarters is yours! '' The man takes the donkey outside, then comes back in after a minute. The donkey is laughing. The bartender says, '' You did it! The bucket is all yours! '' The man takes the bucket and walks home. A week later the man comes back to the same bar. He sees the donkey laughing again, and another bucket of quarters next to him. He asks the bartender, '' What happened? There's nobody here! '' The bartender says, '' The donkey has been laughing all week, he won't stop. Please, if you could, do your magic again to help him. I need my business. '' The man takes the donkey outside, but this time, an hour passes, and he walks into the bar again. The donkey is crying. The bartender says, '' Incredible! You are truly magical! How on earth do you do it!? '' The man replies, '' Well, the first time I did it, I told him my dick was bigger than his. He started laughing. Then, the second time I proved it to him. ''
Son: Dad I failed my safety quiz
Dad: What? How?
Son: I missed the only question
Dad: What was the question?!?!
Son: What steps do we take in case of fire?
Dad: And what did you say?!
Son: Well I said f*cking large ones but apparently that's not rich
Dad: You are such a dumbass
A class goes on school field trip to a museum. A little boy breaks a vase then reads about it's history. He pretend it never happened. The school went on with the field trip until security stopped the boy and confronted him.
The teacher asks the boy, "Why didn't you tell someone you broke the vase."
the boy replies, "i didn't think it would matter, it said it was priceless.'
A teacher tells the class if they can get the right answer to a question that will be asked every Friday, they can get the Monday off. The first Friday, she asks the class, "How many stars are in the universe?" No one can answer. The next Friday, she asks, "How many grains of sand are on Miami Beach?" Again, no one can answer. Finally, a boy gets a bag full of ping-pong balls painted black. The teacher on the 3rd Friday says, "Now for your question..." and the boys purposely spills the bag of ping pong balls everywhere. The teacher madly asks, "Who's the comedian with the black balls?" The boys replies, "Bill Cosby! See you Tuesday!"
Three guys are in the hospital waiting room because their wives are in labor. The doctor goes up to the first guy and says,
"Your wife gave birth to two kids."
"Wow, that is a coincidence because I was in the two towers movie," he replies. The doctor goes up to the second guy.
"Your wife gave birth to five kids."
"Wow, that's a coincidence because I work at five guys," he said.
The doctor sees the third guy crying.
"Why are you crying?" he asked.
The third guy said "I work at the 99 steakhouse."
Comeback Queen #1: Rich or Poor I care no more.
Ok so this mean girl came into my house and she called me poor, just because she had more money than me :/
These were some actual moments:
Girl: EEw what is this crap on your walls?
Me: a mirror.
Girl: Hey ha ha I have Subway Surfers on my phone.
Me: Cool so do I.
Girl: YOU have a PHONE?
Me: yeah *shows phone*
Girl: ha ha but there are cracks in it!
Me: speaking of cracks and buts, you should pull up your pants.
Girl: well noow that I'm leaving might as well give you advice.
Me: which is?
Girl: avoid your face!
Me: I don't have time cuz I'm already avoiding yours.
Girl: GRRR hey where did you get your crap clothes?!?!?!
Me: The same place you got your life.
Girl: Did you google these comebacks?!!?!? (lol some of them yesh)
Me: Did you google your insults?
Girl: go back your cage! I'm going to my large condo!
Me: Yeah Hell's pretty big, isn't it?
Girl: of course you'd know that.
Me: I know lots of things because I'm not home schooled. ( no offense if you're home schooled but this girl was retarded)
Girl: I have nickname for you! WANNABE!
Me: I have lots of nicknames for you right now.
Girl: I HAVE THE POWER TO SUE YOU!
Me: you're lucky you don't have the power to read minds.
Girl: That's it! I'm leaving! *gets in car* BYE POOR KIDS!
MY friend: that sucks she gets the last word.
Me: Nope. I put some bug attractor in her hair spray.