Best Long Jokes This Year
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson were going camping. They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes woke Watson up and said: "Watson, look up at the sky, and tell me what you see."
Watson replied: "I see millions and millions of stars."
Holmes said: "And what do you deduce from that?"
Watson replied: "Well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it’s quite likely there are some planets like Earth out there. And if there are a few planets like Earth out there, there might also be life."
And Holmes said: "Watson, you idiot, it means that somebody stole our tent."
A guy dies and goes to hell, and meets Satan. Satan says to the man;
"Nowadays, people entering hell are able to choose their own personal hell. I will take you to a series of doors, and you will look inside, and tell me if that is where you would like to spend eternity."
The man agrees and Satan takes him down a long, dark hallway. Satan opens the first door, the man looks inside, and sees thousands of people standing on their heads on a hard-wood floor. The man says;
This looks too uncomfortable. Show me the next room please."
Satan then walks the man down to the second door. The man looks inside, and sees thousands of people standing on their heads on a concrete floor.
The man says;
"This is even worse. Please show me another room."
Satan nods and takes him to the third door, and the man looks inside; he sees thousands of people standing knee-deep in liquid shit, all drinking coffee. The man says;
"This is the place for me."
Satan then asks;
"Are you sure? Once the door closes you can never go back..."
The man says;
"I'm positive. I do love coffee."
The man steps in, and Satan closes the door. Just before the man could get comfortable, a voice on the loudspeaker says;
"Coffee break is over, BACK ON YOUR HEADS!!!!
Four guys are at a high school reunion and one of them goes to the restroom.
The other three guys start talking about how succesful their sons are.
Guy 1: My son is so successful he owns a cardealership and just gave his best friend a Ferarri.
Guy 2: Thats nothing, my son owns an airliner and just gave his best friend a private jet
Guy 3: Well my son is more success than that, he owns an architecture firm and just gave his best friend a castle
Guy 4 walks out of the bathroom and walks over to the other 3 guys
Guy 4: Hey guys what are we talking about
Guy 1: Oh, we are talking about how successful our sons are
Guy 4:Well, my son is a Gay stripper
Guy 2: You must be so dissappointed with what he's done with his life
Guy 4: Actually, he is doing very well for himself. He just got a Ferrari, a jet, and a caste from his three boyfriends.
Do you hate it when people change your jokes a little bit then they get all the credit? Kickass this post so much so that we can stop those copy-catting assholes who are too stupid to come up with an awesome joke by themselves. WE WILL GET RID OF COPY CATS IN KICKASS HUMOR. Kickass this to make a change :)
Three couples went in to see the minister to see how to become members of his church. The minister said that they would have to go without sex for two weeks and then come back and tell him how it went.
The first couple was retired, the second couple was middle-aged and the final couple was newlywed.
Two weeks went by, and the couples returned to the minister. The retired couple said it was no problem at all. The middle-aged couple said it was tough for the first week, but after that, it was no problem. The newlyweds said it was fine until she dropped the can of paint.
"Can of PAINT!" exclaimed the minister.
"Yeah," said the newlywed man. "She dropped the can and when she bent over to pick it up I had to have her right there and then. Lust took over."
The minister just shook his head and said that they were not welcome in the church.
"That's okay," said the man. "We're not welcome in Home Depot either."
Little Johnny and Little Jack were playing the Penis game, a game where you shout 'penis' louder and louder.
Little Johnny: Wanna play the penis game?
Little Jack: Ok
Little Johnny: penis
Little Jack: Penis
Little Johnny: PEnis
Little Jack: PENis
Little Johnny: PENIS!
Teacher: LITTLE JOHNNY! GO TO THE FRONT OFFICE, NOW!
Little Johnny: Okay :(
--2 Minutes Later--
Little Johnny Over the Intercom: PENIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A woman was out golfing one day when she hit her ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you 3 wishes."
The woman freed the frog.
The frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes that whatever you wish for, your husband will get 10 times more or better!"
The woman said, "That would be okay."
For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.
The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis, that women will flock to."
The woman replied, "That will be okay because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will only have eyes for me." So, KAZAM she's the most beautiful woman in the world!
For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you."
The woman said, "That will be okay because what's mine is his and what's his is mine."
So, KAZAM she's the richest woman in the world!
The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered. "I'd like a mild heart attack."
Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them!
Attention female readers: This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good!
Male readers: Please scroll down.
The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife!!!
Moral of the story: Women are really dumb but think they're really smart!
Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show!
PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen!!!
Mr. Bear and Mr. Rabbit didn't like each other very much. One day, while walking through the woods, they came across a golden frog.
They were amazed when the frog talked to them. The golden frog admitted that he didn't often meet anyone, but, when he did, he always gave them six wishes. He told them that they could have 3 wishes each.
Mr. Bear immediately wished that all the other bears in the forest were females. The frog granted his wish. Mr. Rabbit, after thinking for a while, wished for a crash helmet. One appeared immediately, and he placed it on his head. Mr. Bear was amazed at Mr. Rabbit's wish, but carried on with his second wish. He wished that all the bears in the neighboring forests were females as well, and the frog granted his wish.
Mr. Rabbit then wished for a motorcycle. It appeared before him, and he climbed on board and started revving the engine. Mr. Bear could not believe it and Complained that Mr. Rabbit had wasted two wishes that he could have had for himself. Shaking his head, Mr. Bear made his final wish, that all the other bears in the world were females as well, leaving him as the only male bear in the world.
The frog replied that it had been done, and they both turned to Mr. Rabbit for his last wish. Mr. Rabbit revved the engine, thought for a second, then said, "I wish that Mr. Bear was gay!" and rode off as fast as he could!
A woman is preparing a French dinner for her parents and sends her husband out to buy some fresh snails. The husband buys the snails then pops into the pub for a quick drink. One thing leads to another and he stays for a few rounds, so many in fact, that by the time he leaves it's nine in the evening. Realizing he's extremely late the husband runs home, pours the snails over the path leading to his house, then he rings the bell. His furious wife opens the door. 'Where the hell have you been?' she screams. The husband waves back to the snails, 'Come on, lads!' he shouts 'We're nearly there!'
A man is taking a walk in Central park in New York. Suddenly he sees a little girl being attacked by a pit bull dog . He runs over and starts fighting with the dog. He succeeds in killing the dog and saving the girl's life. A policeman who was watching the scene walks over and says: "You are a hero, tomorrow you can read it in all the newspapers: "Brave New Yorker saves the life of little girl" The man says: - "But I am not a New Yorker!" "Oh ,then it will say in newspapers in the morning: 'Brave American saves life of little girl'" – the policeman answers. "But I am not an American!" – says the man. "Oh, what are you then? " The man says: - "I am a Saudi !" The next day the newspapers says: "Islamic extremist kills innocent American dog.
Dad: son i want u 2 marry a girl of my choice.
Dad: the girl is bill gates daughter
Son: then OK
Dad goes to bill gates
Dad: i want your daughter 2 marry my son
Bill gates: No
Dad:My son is the CEO of the world bank
Bill gates: then OK
Dad goes to the president of the world bank
Dad: Appoint my son the CEO of the world bank
Dad: he is the son-in-law of Bill gates
President: then OK
THIS IS BUSINESS
Four Husbands are at the lobby waiting for the nurse to tell them about the babies their wives gave birth to. The nurse walks up to the first man and says: Congratulations your wife gave birth to twins! The man says: That's odd, because I work at a restaurant called 2 cities. The nurse walks up to the second man and says: Congratulations your wife gave birth to triplets! The man says: Thats weird because I work at a factory called 3 continents. The nurse walks up to the third guy and says: Congratulations your wife gave birth to Quadruplets! The man says: Thats very odd, because I work at the four seasons hotel! The fourth man starts crying. One of the men says: What's wrong? The fourth man responds: I work at 7up..
Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant.
While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.
One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, 'Kin ya swallar?'
The woman shakes her head no.
Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'
The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.
As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table.His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it.
One day a kid was sitting at home waiting for his relatives to come over. He overheard his parents fighting with each other yelling "YOU BITCH" "YOU BASTARD".
Being so young, the kid had never heard those words before and asked his parents what they meant. They replied by saying "Bitch means lady and bastard means gentlemen". Satisfied with this answer the boy went to his room.
Then he heard the neighbors having sex. They were repeating the words "DICK and "CUNT" over and over and over. Again, the boy was curious and asked his parents what those words meant. Thinking fast, his mother said "Dick means coat and cunt means jackets."
Once again the boy was satisfied with the answer and headed to the bathroom, but his father was shaving and the boy had to wait. Fearing that the boy might wet himself, the father shaved faster. He went a little to quick and ended up cutting himself, "SHIT!!!!!" he yelled. "What's shit mean daddy," the boy asked . The father, stuck for an answer said, "it means shaving cream."
The boy did his "business" and his dad went back to shaving. His next stop was the kitchen, there he saw his mother preparing the turkey. As she reached for a knife she ended up cutting herself. "AW FUCK!!", she yelled. "What's f*ck mean mommy", the boy asked. "It means stuffing the turkey."
Finally, the guest arrived, the boy went to the door and said, "Hello b*tches and bastards, may I take your dicks and cunts? Dad's in the bathroom putting shit on his face and Mom is in the kitchen f*cking the turkey!
A girl was crying bitterly.
Mom: What happened dear?
Daughter: Mom do I look like a wicked witch?
Daughter: Are my eyes big as toad?
Daughter: Is my nose flat?
Mom: No baby!
Daughter: Am I fat like a bulldog?
Mom: You have a fine physique, you are a barbie doll!
Daughter: Then why people tell me that you look like your mom?
5 boys were playing football. 4 of them notices that the other one wasn't very good, so they asked him,
"Why are you not good at sport? Boys are meant to be really sporty"
The boy answered,
"Well I am really a girl but I had a sex change"
The first boy asked her,
"What was the most painful part? Was it when they sewed a dick on you?" In which she replied no.
The second boy asked her,
"Was it when they chopped your boobs off?" In which she again replied no.
The third boy asked her,
"Was it when they pumped your muscles up" She still replied no.
The fourth boy asked her,
"Then what WAS the most painful part?"
The girl smiled innocently and said,
"When they cut my brain in half"
There were three guys in a hot air balloon, one said "We have too many of these." And droped a piece of wood. The second guy said "We have too many of these." And droped a brick. The last guy said "We have too many of these." And droped a bomb.
On the ground was a police officer who found a guy crying, "Why are you crying?" "A plank of wood hit me on the head!" he replies. On the officer went. He then saw another guy crying, "Why are you crying?" "A brick hit me on the head!" he replied. On he goes then sees a guy laughing. "Why are you laughing?" He asked. "I farted and the building behind me blew up!"
dad: son get me a drink!
son: juice or pepsi?
son: hot or cold?
son: sweet or salty?
dad: damn it just get me water!
son: still or mineral?
son: minty or normal?
dad: im gonna kill you!
son: head or body?
son: shotgun or knife?
There was a Swedish, Danish and a Norwegain lost in the desert. They eventually found an oasis with a diving board. By that oasis, there was a genie. The genie said that they get to wish what's going to be in the oasis while jumping off of the diving board.
The Norwegian went first. He jumped and said: "Money!", and landed in a pile of money.
The Danish went second. He jumped and said: "Beer!", and landed in a pool of beer.
The Swedish went last. He was going to act cool, but slipped and yelled: "OH SHIT!"
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ''Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!'' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ''The driver just insulted me!'' The man says: ''You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.''