Best Long Jokes This Year
Little April was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?" When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep. A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. "JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "very good," and April fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT F*****G THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE!" The Teacher fainted.
A little boy gets on the public bus and sits right behind the bs driver. The boy keeps repeatedly saying," If my mom was a cow and my dad was a bull, I'd be a little calf. If my mom was a hen and my dad was a chicken, I'd be a little chick. If my mom was a deer and my dad was a buck, I'd be a little deer. If my mom was a duck and my dad was a goose, I'd be a little duckling." The bus annoyed bus driver stops the bus and turns to the boy saying, "What if your mom was a drunk and you dad was a bum?" The boy responds, "Then I'd be a bus driver."
A dad buys a lie detector robot that slaps you if you lie.
Dad: Son, where were you at school hours?
Son: At school. The robot slaps the son.
Son: Okay I was watching KungFu Panda! The robot slaps his son again.
Son: Okay I was watching violent movies!
Dad: What?! When I was your age I never watched those kinds of movies! The robot slaps the dad.
Mom: Haha, after all, he is your son. The robot slaps the mom...
So there was a plane and in that plane was 4 people a Pilot,Lawyer,Priest, and a kid. The plane is going down and fast but there was only 3 parachutes so the pilot says "I have a family and a daughter that is expecting" he grabs a parachute and jumps off the plane. The lawyer says "well I'm the smartest man on earth so I have to live" he grabs a parachute and jumps off. So now there is only 1 parachute left the Priest notices this and tells the kid " Son go ahead take the last one I have lived my life" The boy looks around the plane and says "wait we can both live" the priest says " well how can that be?", the boy says " because the smartest man in the world just jumped off with my backpack" ????
Little Johnny is always being teased by the other neighborhood boys for being stupid. Their favorite joke is to offer Johnny his choice between a nickel and a dime Little Johnny always takes the nickel. One day, after Johnny takes the nickel, a neighbor takes him aside and says, "Johnny, those boys are making fun of you. Don't you know that a dime is worth more than a nickel, even though the nickel's bigger?" Johnny grins and says, "Well, if I took the dime, they'd stop doing it, and so far I've made $20!"
Joke: Late one night a man is driving down the road, speeding quite a bit. A cop notices how fast he is going and pulls him over. The cop says to the man, "Are you aware of how fast you were going?"
The man replies, "Yes I am. I'm trying to escape a robbery I got involved in."
The cop gives him a skeptical look and says, "Were you the one being robbed?"
The man casually replies, "No, I committed the robbery."
The cop looks shocked that the man admitted this. "So you're telling me you were speeding...AND committed a robbery?"
"Yes," the man calmly says. "I have the loot in the back."
The cop begins to get angry. "Sir, I'm afraid you have to come with me." The cop reaches in the window to subdue the man.
"Don't do that!" the man yells fearfully. "I'm scared you will find the gun in my glove compartment!" The cop pulls his hand out. "Wait here," he says.
The cop calls for backup. Soon cops, cars, and helicopters are flooding the area. The man is cuffed quickly and taken towards a car. However, before he gets in, a cop walks up to him and says, while gesturing to the cop that pulled him over, "Sir, this officer informed us that you had committed a robbery, had stolen loot in the trunk of your car, and had a loaded gun in your glove compartment. However, we found none of these things in your car."
The man replies, "Yeah, and I bet that liar said I was speeding too!"
While playing in the backyard, Little Johnny kills a honeybee. His father sees him killing the honeybee and angrily says, "No honey for you for one month!" Later that afternoon, Johnny's dad catches him tearing the wings off a butterfly. "That's it! No butter for you for one month!" says his dad. Later that evening as Johnny's mother cooks dinner, a cockroach run across the kitchen floor. She jumps and stomps on it, and then looks up to find Little Johnny and her husband watching her. Little Johnny looks at his father and says, "Are you going to tell her, Dad, or do you want me to?"
A pastor walked outside of the church because he heard the children being loud. He sees the kids all grouped up. "What are you doing?" The children make the circle wider to show a puppy they had found. "Its a beautiful dog, who will take it home?" The pastor asks. The children look at each other until one of them speaks up. "I know! Whoever tells the biggest lie can take it home! Would you like to play pastor?" The pastor shrugs his shoulders and says, "I don't know, it will be hard because I've never told a lie." The child picks the dog up and hands it to the pastor, "Here you go. You win."
A little girl asks his dad: "Dad, how did I get my name?" The dad said, "Well, Rose, a rose fell on your head when you were young, so I named you Rose." Rose's sister comes in and asked "hey dad, how did I get MY name?" And the dad said: "Well, Daisy, when you were young, a daisy fell on your head, so I named you Daisy." Then a mental retard brother comes in and said: "brabrb an rbabra"
"Oh hey Brick." Said the dad.
One day, Little Johnny saw his grandpa smoking his cigarettes. Little Johnny asked, "Grandpa, can I smoke some of your cigarettes?" His grandpa replied, "Can your penis reach your asshole?" "No", said Little Johnny. His grandpa replied, "Then you're not old enough." The next day, Little Johnny saw his grandpa drinking beer. He asked, "Grandpa, can I drink some of your beer?" His grandpa replied, "Can your penis reach your asshole?" "No" said Little Johhny. "Then you're not old enough." his grandpa replied. The next day, Little Johnny was eating cookies. His grandpa asked, "Can I have some of your cookies?" Little Johnny replied, "Can your penis reach your asshole?" His grandpa replied, "It most certainly can!" Little Johnny replied, "Then go f*ck yourself.
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A mobile phone on a bench rings and a man engages the free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen. MAN: 'Hello' WOMAN: 'Honey, ????it's me... R u at the club?' MAN: 'Yes'???? WOMAN: 'I'm at the City Centre mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000 Is it OK if I buy it?' MAN: 'Sure, go ahead if you really like it.'???? WOMAN: 'I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2013 Models. I saw one ???? I really liked.' MAN: 'How much?' WOMAN: '$98,000' MAN: 'OK, but for that price make sure it comes with all the options.' WOMAN: 'Great! Oh, and one more thing, the house ????I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking for $980,000/-.' MAN: 'well, then go ahead and make an offer of $900,000. They will probably take it. If not, go the extra 50 thousand if you think it's really a pretty good price.' WOMAN: 'OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much! You’re so generous!' MAN: “You’re worth it. 'Bye!' The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, with mouths wide open ???? The man turns and asks "Anybody knows whose phone???? this is?" ????????????????????????
Girl: Ah, finally. This is the moment!
Boy: Will you leave me?
Boy: Do you love me?
Girl: Yes, a lot!
Boy: Have you ever cheated on me?
Girl: No, why are you asking this?
Boy: Will you kiss me?
Girl: Everytime i get the chance!
Boy:Will you ever hit me?
Girl: Are you crazy?! Of course not!
Boy: Can i trust you?
Now read it all backwards!
Today is my first day at the gym. I walk in and see a bunch of hot women working out. I walk up to the guy who is running the gym and ask him, " Sir, what machine should I use to impress the ladies over there?" He smiles at me and says, " Try the ATM Machine in the lobby."
Sherlock Holmes and Dr.Watson were going camping. They Pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes woke Watson up and said: "Watson, look up at the sky, and tell me what you see." Watson replied "I see millions and millions of stars." Holmes said "And what do you deduce from that?" Watson replied: "Well if there are millions of stars, and even a few of those have planets, It's quite likely there are some planets like Earth out there. And if there are a few planets like Earth out there, there might also be life." And Holmes said "Watson, you idiot, It means someone stole our tent"
A guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. He sees another guy drinking, and notices he is sitting next to a tiny person playing a piano on the bar.
"Nice piano player" the guy says. "Where did you get that."
The drinking guy reaches into his pocket and pulls out a lamp. "Here, rub the lamp and you will get three wishes." He says. "Just make sure you speak clearly"
The guy rubs the lamp, and a genie appears. "You have three wishes" the genie says.
"A million bucks!" The guy shouts, and with the nod of the genies head, one million ducks appear in the bar, quacking and flapping about."
Disappointed the guy says, "I didn't ask for a million ducks!"
His drinking buddy leans over and mutters, "Do you think I asked for an 11 inch pianist?"
4 mothers were sitting in a café having a catch-up.
Blonde Mother: how are your daughters going?
Red-Head Mother: alas not good I discovered some rather horrific objects in my daughter's purse yesterday
Black Hair Mother: same here
Brunette Mother: me too!
Red-Head: awful it was! A giant floppy dildo just lying at the bottom. It made me feel like honoring SO DISGUSTING I never know my daughter was so vulgar!
-all mothers shuddered in agreement-
Black Hair Mother: mine is worse! I looked in and saw tablets. But not just any tablets, BIRTH CONTROL TABLETS! I ant believe my daughter is already having sex with boys
-all mothers gasp and shake their heads-
Brunette Mother: that's nothing! I found a positive pregnancy test in my daughters handbag! Which means she has already gotten pregnant and not even told me. I can't afford to have another child to look after and she isn't ready.
-all mothers give support and pat her on the back-
Blonde Mother: you guys don't even have problems! In my daughters purse I found a pack of condoms! I can't believe that she is a boy!!!
So there were 3 friends trapped on the desert.... They found a lamp that has a geni in it the geni said:I will give you 1 wish each the first guy wished to be home same with the second one the third man's wish is "I'm lonely I wish my 2 friends were here"
Somehow a dog gets lost in a African Jungle. As he is finding his way a lion spots him. The lion thinks since the dog is so small he will be easy prey. When the dog sees the lion he gets extremely scared and starts to run but he sees some bones and gets an idea. As the lion approaches he says " Mmmm, that was some good lion." The lion immediately realizes this dog is a lot tougher than he though and runs off.
But there was a monkey in a tree watching the whole time. The monkey decides if he tells the lion what had happened the lion might reward him. so he tells the lion and the lion tells him to come with him to take down the dog. As the lion and monkey approach the dog the dog sees them and gets an idea then turns his back towards them pretending he didn't see them sand when they come into hearing distance he says " Wheres that darn monkey?! i told him to bring that lion here hours ago!"