Best Long Jokes This Year
Q: There are 500 bricks on a plane. One falls off. How many are left?
Q: What are the three steps to putting an elephant in the fridge?
A: Open door, put elephant in, close door.
Q: What are the 4 steps to putting a giraffe in the fridge?
A: Open door, take elephant out, put giraffe in, close door.
Q: The Lion King is having a birthday party. All the animals attend but one. Which animal is it, and why?
A: Giraffe. He's stuck in a fridge.
Q: Sally wants to cross an alligator infested river. There's no bridge and the only way she can get across is by swimming. She swims across and makes it to the other side safely. Why?
A: The alligators are all at a birthday party.
Q: Sally dies anyways. Why?
A: She got hit in the head by a flying brick.
A gorilla dies of old age at a zoo right before the zoo opens. It is the only gorilla at the zoo since they are not very profitable.
However, the gorilla is their most popular attraction by far, and they cannot afford to go a day without it. So the zoo owner asks one of his workers to wear a gorilla suit they have in storage for an extra $100 a day if he will go in the gorilla cage and pretend to be the gorilla until the zoo can afford a new one.
Quickly, the new "gorilla" becomes the most popular craze at the zoo. People from all over are coming to see the "Human-like" gorilla.
About a month in, the craze has started to wear off. So, to get peoples' attention back, he decides to climb over his enclosure and hang from the net ceiling above the lions den next to him. A large crowd of people gather watching the spectacle in awe and terror. Suddenly the man loses his grip and falls to the floor of the lion's den. The man starts screaming "HELP!! HELP!!!" Suddenly a lion pounces him from behind and whispers in his ear, "Shut the fuck up right now or you're going to get us both fired."
One day two brothers were raking in the front yard. The older brother, who is 6, says, "Hey, at breakfast tomorrow, me and you should say a cuss word!" The younger brother, who is 4, nods with excitement. So, the next day, the their mother says, "What do you want for breakfast?" to the older brother. He replies, "All hell! I'll have some Cherrios!" The mother grabs him by the ear and spanks him all the way up the stairs into his room. "Now, what do you want for breakfast?" The mother says to the younger brother. "I don't know, but you can bet your fat ass it ain't going to be Cherrios!"
I live in Osaka, Japan and often use the subway to go to work in the morning. One day, when I was waiting for the train, I noticed a homeless man standing in a corner of the subway station, muttering to himself as people passed by. He was holding out a cup and seemed to be begging for spare change.
A fat woman passed by the homeless man and I distinctly heard him say, “Pig.”
Wow, I thought to myself. This homeless man is insulting people and he still expects them to give him money? Then a tall businessman went by and the homeless guy muttered, “Human.” Human? I can’t argue with that. Obviously, he was human. The next day, I arrived early at the subway station and had some time to kill, so I decided to stand close to the homeless man and listen to his strange mutterings. A thin, haggard-looking man passed in front of him and I heard the homeless guy mutter, “Cow.” Cow? I thought. The man was much too skinny to be a cow. He looked more like a turkey or a chicken to me. A minute or so later, a fat man went by and the homeless man said, “Potato.” Potato? I was under the impression that he called all fat people “Pig”. That day, at work, I couldn’t stop thinking about the homeless man and his puzzling behavior. I kept trying to find some logic or pattern in what he was muttering. Perhaps he has some kind of psychic ability, I thought. Maybe he knows what these people were in a previous life. In Japan, many people believe in reincarnation. I observed the homeless man many times and began to think my theory was right. I often heard him calling people things like “Rabbit” or “Onion” or “Sheep” or “Tomato”. One day, curiosity got the better of me and I decided to ask him what was going on. As I walked up to him, he looked at me and said “Bread.” I tossed some money into his cup and asked him if he had some kind of psychic ability. The homeless man smiled and said, “Yes, indeed. I do have a psychic ability. It is an ability I obtained years ago. But it is not what you might expect. I can’t tell the future or read minds or anything like that.” “Then what is your ability,” I asked eagerly. “The ability is merely to know the last thing somebody ate,” he said. I laughed because I realized he was right. He said “Bread.” The last thing I had eaten for breakfast that day was toast. I walked away shaking my head. Of all the psychic abilities someone could have, that one must be the most useless. What is the hidden horror?
A man picks up answers a phone in the shopping center.
"hello darling i recently saw a necklace in a catalog and i want it, so do you mind if i use your credit card?"
"how expensive is it?" the man says
"that cheap? hell i'll get four of them for you so you'll wear a different one each season"
"your so generous honey, oh i also want a ring"
"get two, one for each hand"
"thank you! oh i also want a new car, it's $40000"
"sure why lot"
"i love you dear! oh i gotta go, bye"
after that the man quizzically looks around the mall and loudly asks "did anyone drop a phone?"
There was a father and two sons. The sons were called Ikey and Mikey.
They stayed in their apartment while their dad went to the store. Unfortunately, their dad forgot the keys to his car. He shouted to Ikey, "Throw my key out of the window!"
And then Ikey threw Mikey out of the window.
A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint, when
a lizard walks past. The lizard looks up and says to the monkey “Hey! what are you doing?” The monkey says “Smoking a joint, come up and join me, my cold-blooded friend.”
So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have another joint. After a while the lizard says his mouth is ‘dry’, and that he’s going to get a drink from the river.
At the riverbank, the lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls in. A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the stoned lizard, helping him to the side.
He then asks the lizard, “What’s the matter with you?!” The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting in the tree, smoking a joint with his new monkey friend. He then explained how his mouth got dry, and that he was so wasted that, when he went to get a drink from the river, he fell in!
The inquisitive crocodile says he has to check this out. He walks into the jungle and finds the tree where the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint. He looks up and says “Hey, MONKEY!” The Monkey looks down and says “FUUUUUCK, DUDE……. how much water did you drink?”
I hate that I have to sit back and relax as I watch innocent people post things with swears to bad disturbing things. Because all it's been doing is inspiering them to continue. In there hearts they know it's wrong, and as they grow up. They'll continue to swear. Especially right in front of there kids. People Make and go on bad websites. Swear on purpose and bully. They think there being good and funny. And All that stuff, but yet. They've been fading away all this time. And It isn't funny. Because maybe one day they'll feel bad. And wish they haven't taken this path in life. It's the grammar people get made fun of for. And the racisim people use. And all that stuff, and it's not ok. No matter what. All it's doing is Wrecking there lives.
A pig and a cat were walking down a dirt path. The pig was very stupid, so the cat had to explain everything to him. When the cat was talking to the pig about something, he (the cat) accidentally fell down a deep pit. He asked the pig to go back to their house and grab a rope.
The pig soon returned with a sturdy rope.
'Throw it down!'
So the pig threw the whole rope down the pit.
'You idiot! You were supposed to grab hold of one end!'
The pig, after thinking a while, jumped down the pit and grabbed hold of the rope.
A child is playing ROBLOX when someone says "IDGAF". She asks her dad what it means.
Girl: What does IDGAF mean?
Dad: I don't give a f***.
The girl, unaware that that is the correct answer, storms off to her mother.
Girl: What does IDGAF mean?
Mom: I don't give a f***.
She gives up.
The next day, the girl and her parents are out walking when a teen says LOL. The adults are not familiar with these kind of acronyms, so they ask thier daughter.
Parents: What does LOL mean?
Daughter: I don't give a f***.
LIKE THIS IS YOU REALLY WANT BETTY AND ARCHIE TO BE TOGETHER IN RIVERDALE. CAUSE IN THE NEW EPISODE I THINK THEY KISS, AND BECAUSE THE LAST EPISODE ARCHIE AND BETTY STARED AT EACH OTHER THROUGH THE WINDOW SMILING. OML I SO EXICTEDDDDD I HAD TO POST SOMETHING. OR I'MMA DIE ;C SO PLES JUST DON'T LOOSE HOPE ON THEM BEING TOGETHER LMAO.
baby: DONALD TWUMP IS WEERD.
mom: Baby! Don't say anything like that.
baby: Then can I say that YOUR A FUCKIN BITCH mommy?
mom: No, not that either.
baby: Then can I say that YOU DO NOT HAVE A FUCKIN CUNTY DICK?
mom: NO, BABY! HOW THE FUCK- you just made me swear, didn't you, baby?
A frog walks into a bank and approaches the teller, whose nametag reads "Patricia Whack."
"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $50,000 loan to take a vacation," says the frog.
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name.
"Kermit Jagger. My father is Mick Jagger. It will be fine to authorize the loan, I know your manager." Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral. "Sure, how about this?" asks Kermit as he produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed. Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office. Patty walks into the manager's office and proceeds to tell him, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $50,000, and he wants to use this as collateral." Patty holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?" The bank manager looks back at her and says, "It's a knick knack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."
A young woman brings home her fiancée to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young man. The father invites the fiancée to his study for a drink.
"So what are your plans?" the father asks the young man.
"I am a Torah scholar," he replies.
"A Torah scholar. Hmm." the father says. "Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in as she's accustomed to?"
"I will study," the young man replies, "and God will provide for us."
"And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring such as she deserves?" asks the father.
"I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replies, "and God will provide for us."
"And children?" asks the father. "How will you support children?"
"Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replies the fiancée.
The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father questions, the young idealist insists that God will provide.
Later, the mother asks, "How did it go, honey?"
The father answers, "He has no job and no plans, but the good news is he thinks I'm God."
3 men go on a business trip to an island, one was from Russia one was from London and the other was from New York. The has never been discovered by anyone till now so they didn't now what they were getting themselves in to. While walking in the forest they see a bush and out of the bush a cannibalistic tribe jump out, the tribe takes them to their camp and present them to the tribes leader. The leader says that they are walking on sacred grounds by their ancestors so we are going to kill you and make you in to a canoe but because we're not THAT f*cked up we're going to let you choose how you want to die. The dude from London said "I'll take the gun." So they gave him a gun with one Bullet. The dude from Russia said "I'll take the poison." So they gave him a cup of poison. The dude from New York said "I'll take a fork." Their like "a fork why in the world would you wan- OK" so they gave him a fork. The dude from London takes the gun and says "long live the queen." BANG he's dead, the dude from Russia takes the poison and says "for mother Russia." He drinks it and he dies, the dude from New York takes the fork and yells as loud as he can "UGH- CANOE OUT OF THIS MOTHER FUCKERS!!!!" And he dies.