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* nerds phone rings in class *
Cool Guy - awww, was that your mommy?
* whole class laughs *
Nerd Guy - nope, it was yours.
* whole class is silent *
Me: Mum i got a detention todayMum: Why!Me: Well the teacher pointed the ruler at me and said "at the end of this ruler is a idiot".Mum: Yeah soMe: I asked what end.
Fat person: Im not fat, being overweight just runs in my family.Me: Bitch please, If ANYONE ran in your family you wouldnt have this problem
Roses are red. Violets are blue. God made us beautiful. What the f*ck happened to you?
"dude that song is so old.""i'm sorry, i didn't know music had an expiration date. what about your mom, she's old, but you still listen to her."
You remind me of a penny, two faced and f*cking worthless!
"Why are you so quiet?"
Me: "Well, nobody plans a murder out loud, do they?"
Keep rolling your eyes. Who knows, maybe you'll find a brain back there.
Douche: My dick comes with a choking hazard warning.
Girl: Don't they only put that on small objects?
I was going to give you a nasty look but I see you already have one.
Son: "Dad! Dad! There is a monster under my bed!"
Dad: "Enjoy it while you can son, when you get married the monster sleeps in your bed."
Boy: I wonder why I always get a boner when I look into a mirror?Girl: Because your dick thinks you're a pussy too!
Teacher: I am beautiful. What tense is this?Me: Past tense obviously.
Twinkle Twinkle little slut
Name a guy you haven't f*cked
Was he skinny, was he tall
Nevermind you did them all
Twinkle Twinkle little b*tch
Close your legs it smells like fish
Roses are redViolets are blueFaces like yours belong in the zoo.Don't be mad, I'll be there, too.Not in the cage, but laughing at you!
*At a restaurant*Waiter - "Would you like a table?"Me - "No, not at all, we came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.
My little sister was being made fun of at school be#ausc shes adopted so she told them, " my momma choose me. your parents are stuck with you."
This is a shovel and rake conversation. We don't need a hoe.
Random kid: Dafak ya lookin' at!? I'ma fak ya an' yo peeps!Me: Stand back, I'm gonna try to communicate with it.
Son - "Dad, I'm gay."Dad - "I had sex with your mom."Son - "Huh?"Dad - "Sorry, I thought we were talking about things that were stupidly obvious."