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1000 kick asses I will ask my teacher to f*ck
There is a little girl on a bike and a copOn a horse. The cop goes up to the Little girl and says " did you get that Bike from Santa?" Little girl says yes. The cop says next year ask Santa for Some reflectors and the cop gave herA $5 fine. Then the girl replies hey copDid Santa get you that horse for Christmas. He says yes. She says tell Santa next year put the dick on the Bottom of the horse not the top. LOL!!My dad is trying to get 500 jackass!!!!
Boyfriend: (after sex) That felt SO GOOD.Girlfriend: I know right, I really did love your dick too!Boyfriend: Aw, is it long enough for you?Girlfriend: Nah, it's just my Mum always told me to enjoy the little things in life!
“A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?" The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, her breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions." "Onions?" the son asks. "Yes. You see them and they make you cry." This infuriates his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, "Mom, how many different kinds of penises are there?" The mother smiles and says, "Well, dear, a man also goes through three phases. In his 20s, his penis is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it's like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it's like a Christmas tree." "A Christmas tree?" the daughter asks. "Yes: Dead from the root up, and the balls are just for decoration.”
Teacher: can anyone name three Kings that brought happiness and peace to earth?Student: drin-king, smo-king, and fuc-king!
Before being ordained 6 priests had to stand nude with a bell tied to their cocks. Anyone whos bell rang had no spiritual purity. A naked girl with big tits & a shaved fanny danced before each one. 1st priest no reaction. She went down the line with no response from them till she reached last priest Ralph. Poor Ralph. While she danced he got a stiffy & his bell rang & flew off across the room. Embarrassed he ran & bent to pick it up, then all the f*cking bells rang!
I've decided on my new career. I'm going to be a reverse stripper. I walk out on stage completely naked, and people pay me to put my clothes back on.
Teacher: Get off your phone.Kid: I'm not on my phone.Teacher: Yes, you are. Seriously, nobody just stares down at their crotch and smiles.
What's the definition of trust?---Two Canibals giving each other a blowjob!
My girlfriend's father called me a pedophile because I'm 36 and she's 22. Completely ruined our 10 year anniversary.
A man walks into a bar and see's a big line up in front of a horse. Beside the horse is a big barrel of money.The man walks to the back of the line and asks the last person.. 'whats with the horse and the line?'Person: 'well, if you can make the horse laugh you win the money'So the man stands in line and sure enough no one can make the horse laugh. When it finally reaches his turn he miraculously makes the horse laugh thus winning the barrel of money.The same man walks into the same bar a week later and notices that there is another large line up in front of the same horse and another barrel of money next to it. The man goes to the last person in line and asks 'so you have to make the horse laugh again?' Person: 'Nope.. now you have to make him cry'So the man stands in line and sure enough no one can make the horse cry. Finally when the man's turn comes up he manages to make the horse cry and wins another barrel of money.The man then proceeds to order a round of drinks to celebrate his achievement. The bartender then asks 'so.. how did you do it?' Man: 'do what?' Bartender: 'how did you make the horse laugh and cry like that?'Man: 'well.. to make the horse laugh... i told him my cock was bigger than his.. to make him cry.. i showed him it'.
Today a fortune cookie told me that every exit is an entrance. Long story short, my girlfriend said no.
Teacher: Jimmy, what do you want to be when you grow up?Jimmy: A lumberjack.Teacher: Why?Jimmy: So I can whack my wood all day long.
Beer Bottle: You break me, you get 1 year of bad luck!Mirror: You kiddin' me? You break me, then y'all get 7 years bad luck.*condom walks in laughing*
A white guy woke up in a cell with an Asian man and a black man. None of them had any idea what was going on. All of a sudden a mysterious man appears in front of them and says, "If all of your dick lengths combined can reach exactly 1 foot, I'll let you all go. If not, I'll kill you all" All 3 men pulled down their pants and put their dicks together, the white guy had 4 inches, the black guy had 6 inches and the Asian guy had 2 inches. The man then let them go. As they were leaving the cell, the white guy said, "You guys are lucky I'm white." The black said "No way! You guys are lucky I'm black!" And then the Asian guy yelled "You guys are lucky I had a boner!"
Party host: Anyone here allergic to nuts? Because I like to rest mine on the table
My girlfriend is like my iPad. I don't have one so I use my friend's when he isn't paying attention.
A husband a wife lived very happily together. One day while the husband was at work, his friend came over. The wife opened the door and offered him some snacks. As they sat down on the table, the husband's friend notice how beautiful her boobs were. "I would pay you 100 dollars to see one of your boobs" said the friendThe wife thought about it, she knew that her husband saw her boobs for free, yet here is someone willing to pay me."Yes ofcourse you can" said the wife.She lifted her top, just so he could see one boob "Damn, you have amazing boobs, ill pay you another 100 dollars to see them both together" said the friend The wife thought about it, she knew her husband saw both boobs for free every night, yet someone is willing to pay me."Ofcourse" she saidAfter the friend left, the wife quickly grabbed the 200 dollars she just earned. Suddenly her husband walks in the house unannounced."Hey did my friend stop by here?" the husband said"Yes he did" said the wife"Oh good, he also left the 200 dollars he owes me!" said the husband
Why are hurricanes usually named after women?When they first come their wild and wet, and when they leave they take your house and car with them
Best way to answer the phone:"Jack's whore house, you got the doe we got the hoe, how may I help you?"
