Best Dirty Jokes This Year
Little Girl: Mom what's this *she pulled down her pants*
Mom: That's your garage, don't let boys put their car into your garage
She nods and hops off
Little Boy: Dad whats this? *he pulls down his pants*
Dad: That's your car, you need to put that into a girls garage
He nods and hops off
Little girl walks in with her hands covered with blood
Mom: WHAT HAPPENED!?
Little Girl: The little boy from next door tried to put his car into my garage so I pulled its wheels off
A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem?'
Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!'
Ms. Brooks had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: 'What is 3 x 3?'
Principal: 'What is 6 x 6?'
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, 'I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade'
Ms. Brooks says to the principal, 'Let me ask him some questions..'
The principal and Harry both agreed.
Ms.. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?'
Harry, after a moment: 'Legs..'
Ms Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'
The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!
Harry replied: 'Pockets.'
Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'
The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?'
The principal' s eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied,'Bubble gum.'
Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?'
Harry: 'Shake hands.'
The principal was trembling.
Ms. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?'
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, 'Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong...'
One night a little girl walks in on her parents having sex. The mother is going up and down on the father and when she sees her daughter looking at them she immediately stops. “What are you doing, Mommy?” The mother too embarassed to tell her little girl about sex so she makes up an answer. “Well, sweetie, sometimes daddy’s tummy gets too big so I have to jump up and down on it to flatten it out.” The little girl replies, “Well, mommy you really shouldn’t bother with that.” The mother has a confused look on her face, “Why do you say that sweetheart?” The little girl replies, “Because mommy, everytime you leave in the morning, the lady next door comes over and blows it back up.”
Cop on horse says to little girl on bike, "Did Santa get you that?" "Yes," replies the little girl. "Well tell him to put a reflector light on it next year!" and fines her $5. The little girl looks up at the cop and says, "Nice horse you've got there, did Santa bring you that?" The cop chuckles and replies, "He sure did!" "Well," says the little girl, "Next year tell Santa that the dick goes under the horse, not on top of it!"
Mum: WHY DID YOU HAVE SEX WITH THAT BASTARD!
Me: You told me that if a boy touches my boobs, I must say 'don't' and if a boy touches my pussy I must say 'stop'.
Me: And he touched both at the same time so I said 'Don't Stop'
A lady takes her 5 year old son to the zoo. One of the first thing they saw was a couple animals doing it. The 5 year old asks, "Mommy, what are they doing?" She didn't know what to say, so she said "Well,they're making fish sticks." Five minutes later, a couple more animals were doing it and again he asked the same thing and again she said "They are making fish sticks." When they got home, she was in the bedroom with her husband for about ten minutes, and when she got out, her son ran up to her and asked "Mommy, were you in the bedroom making fish sticks with Daddy?" She said, "As a matter of fact we were." And he replied, "I thought so, because I can see tarter sauce on your chin."