Best Dirty Jokes This Year
Boss: Hey, idiot! You are late to work AGAIN!!!
Employee: Sorry, Boss... It's just that my wife is going to have a baby...
Boss: Really? Congratulations!
Employee: Thank you!!!
Boss: And when is it going to be born?
Employee: In nine months...
Kickass if you get it. ;)
Like if you rather be having the best sex of your life with the person you've had the biggest sexual crush on right now rather than be reading this. Dislike if you would rather have Diarrhea with no bathroom in sight
Why did I get divorced? Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn't wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my colleagues didn't wish me a happy birthday. As I entered my office, my secretary said, "Happy birthday, boss!" I felt so special. She asked me out for lunch. After lunch, she invited me to her apartment. We went there and she said, "Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?" "Okay," I said. She came out 5 minutes later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends, & my colleagues all yelling, "SURPRISE!!!" while I was waiting on the sofa... naked.
Three fathers are talking about their sons. The first father says, "my sons a successful doctor. He's so rich, he just bought his best friend a Lamborghini". The second father said, "my sons a successful hedge fund manager. He's so rich, he just bought his best friend a yacht". The third father says, "my sons the CEO of a big company. He's so rich he just bought his best friend a castle". Right then, a fourth father walks in and asks what they're talking about. The other three fathers say, "we're talking about our successful sons, what does yours do?" The fouth father says, "well my sons a gay stripper." The other three fathers say, "oh wow, you must be really disappointed." The fourth father replies with, "well not really, he's doing really well. His three boyfriends just bought him a Lamborghini, a yacht, and a castle."
My Friend: Did you know a screw and the wall can have sex.
My friend: Yeah it can because my screw went threw the wall and the wall was your mom!
Me: Tell that too you sister!
My friend: I Dont have a sister!?!
Me: You will in 3 mounths.
Teacher: Shut up every one! This is reading class no one should be talking
Me: Ok shut up!
Teacher: Principle now.
Me: Principle isnt in here dumbie.
Teacher: Ok smart guy whats 9+10?
Me: 3 babys and some cum left over.
Teacher: Ok im calling your parents!
Me: You cant there making a dog.
Teacher: How the FUCK can they MAKE a dog.
Me: You just said it.
*Teacher storms out the room*
Bully: Man you got to have no balls to do that.
Me: I know you'll find the answer for that in a few days
*Bullys phone rings*
Bully: Hello. YOUR PREGNATE!
Me: Never mind you'll find out now.
Thx for reading this give me a kickass for how long this was!
By the way give me a kickass for a free asian chick!
One day there was this little girl watching TV and she sees 2 girls kissing. She ask her mom "Mommy why are those two girls kissing?" The mother then Replied "Oh their just making a cake. The little girls says "Oh Okay". The very next day the little girl is watching tV and she see two black guys kissing. She asked her mother "Mommy why are those two guys kissing?" The mother Replied again "Oh their just making a cake" The little girl says again "Oh Okay". The very next morning the mother was coming down the stairs and she sees her daughter with a smile on her face and her mother ask "Why such a smile?" The little girl replies "I seen you and daddy make a cake last night" The mother looks at her daughter in shocks and says "Oh really how's that?" The little girl Replied "I lick the frosting off the couch"
Kick ass for gross awesome funny
Ignore if didn't get the joke
Boy: I'll pay you 10 bucks to climb up the flagpole.
Girl: ok.(climbs the flagpole)
Girl: Mommy Mommy a boy paid me 10 bucks to climb the flagpole. Mom: He just wanted to see your underwear!
(Same boy): I'll pay you 20 BUCKS to climb the flagpole!
Girl: OK thanks! (climbs the flagpole)
Girl: Mommy Mommy today the boy paid me 20 BUCKS for climbing the flagpole, but today I tricked him this time I wasn't wearing underwear.
Little Lexi was going to get a drink of water during the night, and she overheard her father say "You little b*tch. You like that, huh?" And her mother replied with, "Oh yeah, I love your dick. Go deeper!!" The next day she asked her mother what dick meant. The mom told her a dick was a coat. She then asked her dad what b*tch meant. Her father said that a b*tch was a person. Later on, Lexi found her parents arguing. "YOU MOTHERFUCKER!!" Her mom shouted. "You're just a SLUT!" Her dad replied. Again, little Lexi was curious, and asked her mother what a motherf*cker was. Her mother said it was a turkey. Later, she asked her dad what a slut meant. He said it meant toilet. After that, her dad was on the toilet yelling "Honey, I'm having a big shit on the toilet so let's not have sex until later?" She asked what shit was and he said eating. He also said having sex meant socializing. After all that, her family came over for Thanksgiving. Little Lexi said "Happy Thanksgiving, b*tches! We're going to shit soon, my dad is upstairs eating the slut in the bathroom! My moms going to cut the motherf*cker shortly! Hang up your dicks and stay a while! I can't wait to have sex with you!
boyfriend: Are you a virgin?
boyfriend: You sure?
girlfriend: Of course
boyfriend: I can't decide the username for our email
girlfriend: I know... hmm... she types "my pussy" and the boys flips out because of the results saying "too many users"
The three most important men in a women's life:
the doctor - who tells her to take off all her clothes
the dentist - who tells her to open wide
milk man - who asks if she wants it in the front or back.
When a girl buys a Vibrator, it's cool. But when a guy buys that FuckMaster 5000 Pro Latex blow up doll, with the 6 spend pulsating self lubricating pussy with the non-drip collection nut tray with optional built in realistic orgasm surround sound system, he's a f*cking perv. Just don't make no sense.
A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Little Johnny isn't paying attention so she asks him this, "If there are three ducks on a fence and you shoot one how many are left." Johnny says none. The teacher asks why. "Because the shot scared them off" says Johnny. Johnny asks the teacher, "If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married?" The teacher says, "The one sucking her ice cream." Johnny says, "No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you're thinking!"