Best Dirty Jokes This Year
Like if you rather be having the best sex of your life with the person you've had the biggest sexual crush on right now rather than be reading this. Dislike if you would rather have Diarrhea with no bathroom in sight
Three fathers are talking about their sons. The first father says, "my sons a successful doctor. He's so rich, he just bought his best friend a Lamborghini". The second father said, "my sons a successful hedge fund manager. He's so rich, he just bought his best friend a yacht". The third father says, "my sons the CEO of a big company. He's so rich he just bought his best friend a castle". Right then, a fourth father walks in and asks what they're talking about. The other three fathers say, "we're talking about our successful sons, what does yours do?" The fouth father says, "well my sons a gay stripper." The other three fathers say, "oh wow, you must be really disappointed." The fourth father replies with, "well not really, he's doing really well. His three boyfriends just bought him a Lamborghini, a yacht, and a castle."
One day there was this little girl watching TV and she sees 2 girls kissing. She ask her mom "Mommy why are those two girls kissing?" The mother then Replied "Oh their just making a cake. The little girls says "Oh Okay". The very next day the little girl is watching tV and she see two black guys kissing. She asked her mother "Mommy why are those two guys kissing?" The mother Replied again "Oh their just making a cake" The little girl says again "Oh Okay". The very next morning the mother was coming down the stairs and she sees her daughter with a smile on her face and her mother ask "Why such a smile?" The little girl replies "I seen you and daddy make a cake last night" The mother looks at her daughter in shocks and says "Oh really how's that?" The little girl Replied "I lick the frosting off the couch"
Kick ass for gross awesome funny
Ignore if didn't get the joke
Little Lexi was going to get a drink of water during the night, and she overheard her father say "You little b*tch. You like that, huh?" And her mother replied with, "Oh yeah, I love your dick. Go deeper!!" The next day she asked her mother what dick meant. The mom told her a dick was a coat. She then asked her dad what b*tch meant. Her father said that a b*tch was a person. Later on, Lexi found her parents arguing. "YOU MOTHERFUCKER!!" Her mom shouted. "You're just a SLUT!" Her dad replied. Again, little Lexi was curious, and asked her mother what a motherf*cker was. Her mother said it was a turkey. Later, she asked her dad what a slut meant. He said it meant toilet. After that, her dad was on the toilet yelling "Honey, I'm having a big shit on the toilet so let's not have sex until later?" She asked what shit was and he said eating. He also said having sex meant socializing. After all that, her family came over for Thanksgiving. Little Lexi said "Happy Thanksgiving, b*tches! We're going to shit soon, my dad is upstairs eating the slut in the bathroom! My moms going to cut the motherf*cker shortly! Hang up your dicks and stay a while! I can't wait to have sex with you!
When a girl buys a Vibrator, it's cool. But when a guy buys that FuckMaster 5000 Pro Latex blow up doll, with the 6 spend pulsating self lubricating pussy with the non-drip collection nut tray with optional built in realistic orgasm surround sound system, he's a f*cking perv. Just don't make no sense.
A priest lost his rooster and he comes to church and says anyone here see a cock? All the women raise their hands. "I'm not talking about that kind", he says. Then he says, "Anyone here have a cock?" All the men raise their hands he says, "Again, I'm not talking about that kind!" Then he says, "Anyone in here see my cock?" All the kids then raise their hands.
Timmy: Mom where's the thingy
Mom: What thingy?
Timmy: umm-it's-uh... oh it's long and sometimes it gets hard
Mom: Okay. go on...
Timmy: you can suck it
Timmy: And lick it...
Timmy: It tastes really good
Mom: Son where did you learn this fro-
Timmy: wait, it also has a wrapping kind of object
Timmy: the wrappish object tells you which flavor it is.
Mom: Timmy liste-
Timmy: no no no wait, it also gets wet.
Mom: ... Son are you talking about your peni-
(*door slams open)
Selena: Mom where are the popsicles, me and Timmy was looking for it.
Boyfriend: (after sex) That felt SO GOOD.
Girlfriend: I know right, I really did love your dick too!
Boyfriend: Aw, is it long enough for you?
Girlfriend: Nah, it's just my Mum always told me to enjoy the little things in life!
There was this guy named John that went to heaven. He looked around and saw millions of clocks, some were slow and some were fast. He went to God to ask a question. ''What's the deal with all these clocks?'' John asked. ''Well,'' said God, ''these clocks tell how much a person masturbates.'' ''Well, where's my clock?'' asked John. ''It's in the office,'' replied God. ''We use it as a fan.
“A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?" The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, her breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions." "Onions?" the son asks. "Yes. You see them and they make you cry."
This infuriates his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, "Mom, how many different kinds of penises are there?" The mother smiles and says, "Well, dear, a man also goes through three phases. In his 20s, his penis is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it's like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it's like a Christmas tree." "A Christmas tree?" the daughter asks. "Yes: Dead from the root up, and the balls are just for decoration.”