Best Dirty Jokes This Year
A tough looking group of hairy bikers are riding when they see a girl about to jump off a bridge, so they stop. The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?" "I'm going to commit suicide," she says. While he doesn’t want to appear insensitive, he also doesn’t want to miss an opportunity, so he asks, "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?" She does, and it is a long, deep, lingering kiss. After she's finished, the tough, hairy biker says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I’ve ever had! That's a real talent you’re wasting. You could be famous. Why are you committing suicide?" "My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl…"
There's a fly above a river and there's a fish in the water. The fish says if that fly drops six inches I can get it.
There's a bear on the river bank that says if that fly drops six inches the fish will get the fly and I can get the fish.
There's a hunter about 100 yards back that says if that fly drops six inches the fish will get the fly the bear will get the fish and I'll get the bear. Also, the hunter has crackers next to him and there's a mouse.
The mouse says if that fly drops six inches the fish will get the fly the bear will get the fish and the hunter will get the bear and I can get the crackers up on a hill.
There's a cat that says if that fly drops six inches the fish will get the fly the bear will get the fish the hunter will get the bear the mouse will get the crackers and I can get the mouse.
So what happens the fly drops six inches, the fish gets the fly, the bear gets the fish, the hunter gets the bear, the mouse gets the crackers, but when the cat went he tripped and fell into the river. So the moral of the story is every time a fly drops six inches a pussy is sure to get wet.
So a kid comes home from school and goes in his house and his mom asks him, "What'd you do in school today?" and her son replies, "I had sex with my teacher..." Her mom yelled, "Oh my gosh! Son that is not okay! Go upstairs to your room and wait till your dad gets home." The boy goes upstairs in his room and stands in the corner. His dad comes home and goes in his room and asks him, "Mom told me you did something at school today?" and he answers, "Yes, I had sex with my teacher." His claps with excitement and says "Alright! Way to go son! That's my boy! C'mon! I'm taking you downtown to get you the best bicycle." They hop in the truck and drive to the bike shop and find the nicest bike in the market. His dad looks at him and asks, "Son do you want to ride your bike home?" he replies, "No." With a questioned face he says, "Well why not?" so his son answers, "Cause my butt is sore." and his father asks, "Well, why is your butt sore?" and his son says, "Cause I had sex with my teacher..."
A guy walked into a bar and saw a sign that said cheeseburgers 3$ hotdogs 5$ and handjobs 10$ He goes to the bar and asks the lady "are you the one that gives handjobs" and she said yes, then he replied "well wash your hands I want a cheeseburger
An elderly woman that had lost her husband a couple years ago decided that it was time for a new husband. So being the old fashioned woman she is, put an add in the paper. It stated. Looking for a husband. Must not run around. Must not hit on me but must also be good in bed.Well one day she heard the door bell ring. When she answered it, she was shocked to see a man in a wheelchair with no arms or legs.
Man: afternoon ma'am. I'm here about the add in the paper.
Woman: you? But your in a wheelchair.
Man: well you see I have no legs so I won't run around on you.
Man: you see I have no arms so I can't hit on you.
Woman: yes that's true. But are you good in bed?
Man: I rang the doorbell didn't I.
One day, a space ship landed in a farmer's field and a Martian man and his wife got out and introduced themselves to the farmer and his wife. As a token of his friendship, the farmer immediately invited the Martian couple in his home and begged them to stay for the evening and have dinner, so the Martians agreed. Later that night, the Martian man explained how, on their planet, it was customary to swap partners as a token of friendship. The farmer, not wanting to offend his alien neighbors, readily agreed. The Martian then man took the farmer's wife into one bedroom while the farmer took the Martian woman into another. They had been having sex for about an hour when the Martian man asked the farmer's wife, "Well, how do you like having sex with a Martian? How does it feel?" The farmer's wife replied "It needs to be a little bigger around." So the Martian man twisted his right ear and presto, his penis became bigger around. About an hour later, the Martian man asked the farmer's wife again "How does it feel now?" The farmer's wife responded "I think it needs to be a little longer." So the Martian man twisted his left ear and presto, his penis became longer. The next morning, after their alien neighbors had left, the farmer and his wife were having coffee at the breakfast table and the farmer asked his wife "How was the Martian man?" To this, the farmer's wife replied "Fine." "And how about the Martian woman?" The farmer replied, "That damn b*tch yanked on my f*cking ears all night long!"