Best Dirty Jokes This Year
There is a little girl on a bike and a cop
On a horse. The cop goes up to the
Little girl and says " did you get that
Bike from Santa?" Little girl says yes.
The cop says next year ask Santa for
Some reflectors and the cop gave her
A $5 fine. Then the girl replies hey cop
Did Santa get you that horse for
Christmas. He says yes. She says tell
Santa next year put the dick on the
Bottom of the horse not the top. LOL!!
My dad is trying to get 500 jackass!!!!
“A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?" The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, her breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions." "Onions?" the son asks. "Yes. You see them and they make you cry."
This infuriates his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, "Mom, how many different kinds of penises are there?" The mother smiles and says, "Well, dear, a man also goes through three phases. In his 20s, his penis is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it's like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it's like a Christmas tree." "A Christmas tree?" the daughter asks. "Yes: Dead from the root up, and the balls are just for decoration.”
Before being ordained 6 priests had to stand nude with a bell tied to their cocks. Anyone whos bell rang had no spiritual purity. A naked girl with big tits & a shaved fanny danced before each one. 1st priest no reaction. She went down the line with no response from them till she reached last priest Ralph. Poor Ralph. While she danced he got a stiffy & his bell rang & flew off across the room. Embarrassed he ran & bent to pick it up, then all the f*cking bells rang!
A man walks into a bar and see's a big line up in front of a horse. Beside the horse is a big barrel of money.
The man walks to the back of the line and asks the last person.. 'whats with the horse and the line?'
Person: 'well, if you can make the horse laugh you win the money'
So the man stands in line and sure enough no one can make the horse laugh. When it finally reaches his turn he miraculously makes the horse laugh thus winning the barrel of money.
The same man walks into the same bar a week later and notices that there is another large line up in front of the same horse and another barrel of money next to it.
The man goes to the last person in line and asks 'so you have to make the horse laugh again?'
Person: 'Nope.. now you have to make him cry'
So the man stands in line and sure enough no one can make the horse cry. Finally when the man's turn comes up he manages to make the horse cry and wins another barrel of money.
The man then proceeds to order a round of drinks to celebrate his achievement. The bartender then asks 'so.. how did you do it?'
Man: 'do what?'
Bartender: 'how did you make the horse laugh and cry like that?'
Man: 'well.. to make the horse laugh... i told him my cock was bigger than his.. to make him cry.. i showed him it'.
A white guy woke up in a cell with an Asian man and a black man. None of them had any idea what was going on. All of a sudden a mysterious man appears in front of them and says, "If all of your dick lengths combined can reach exactly 1 foot, I'll let you all go. If not, I'll kill you all" All 3 men pulled down their pants and put their dicks together, the white guy had 4 inches, the black guy had 6 inches and the Asian guy had 2 inches. The man then let them go. As they were leaving the cell, the white guy said, "You guys are lucky I'm white." The black said "No way! You guys are lucky I'm black!" And then the Asian guy yelled "You guys are lucky I had a boner!"
A husband a wife lived very happily together. One day while the husband was at work, his friend came over. The wife opened the door and offered him some snacks. As they sat down on the table, the husband's friend notice how beautiful her boobs were.
"I would pay you 100 dollars to see one of your boobs" said the friend
The wife thought about it, she knew that her husband saw her boobs for free, yet here is someone willing to pay me.
"Yes ofcourse you can" said the wife.
She lifted her top, just so he could see one boob
"Damn, you have amazing boobs, ill pay you another 100 dollars to see them both together" said the friend
The wife thought about it, she knew her husband saw both boobs for free every night, yet someone is willing to pay me.
"Ofcourse" she said
After the friend left, the wife quickly grabbed the 200 dollars she just earned. Suddenly her husband walks in the house unannounced.
"Hey did my friend stop by here?" the husband said
"Yes he did" said the wife
"Oh good, he also left the 200 dollars he owes me!" said the husband
A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"
The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to f*ck your brains out, and suck your tits dry."
Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"
He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."