Best Dirty Jokes This Year
Boss: Hey, idiot! You are late to work AGAIN!!!
Employee: Sorry, Boss... It's just that my wife is going to have a baby...
Boss: Really? Congratulations!
Employee: Thank you!!!
Boss: And when is it going to be born?
Employee: In nine months...
Kickass if you get it. ;)
Like if you rather be having the best sex of your life with the person you've had the biggest sexual crush on right now rather than be reading this. Dislike if you would rather have Diarrhea with no bathroom in sight
Why did I get divorced? Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn't wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my colleagues didn't wish me a happy birthday. As I entered my office, my secretary said, "Happy birthday, boss!" I felt so special. She asked me out for lunch. After lunch, she invited me to her apartment. We went there and she said, "Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?" "Okay," I said. She came out 5 minutes later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends, & my colleagues all yelling, "SURPRISE!!!" while I was waiting on the sofa... naked.
Little boy: *pulls down pants* Whats this?
Dad: Those are your prized jewels. Dont let girls touch them.
Little boy: Okay!
The next day
*little boy comes in shocked*
Dad: What happened?!
Little boy: The little girl from next door tried to feel my jewels so i felt hers
Three fathers are talking about their sons. The first father says, "my sons a successful doctor. He's so rich, he just bought his best friend a Lamborghini". The second father said, "my sons a successful hedge fund manager. He's so rich, he just bought his best friend a yacht". The third father says, "my sons the CEO of a big company. He's so rich he just bought his best friend a castle". Right then, a fourth father walks in and asks what they're talking about. The other three fathers say, "we're talking about our successful sons, what does yours do?" The fouth father says, "well my sons a gay stripper." The other three fathers say, "oh wow, you must be really disappointed." The fourth father replies with, "well not really, he's doing really well. His three boyfriends just bought him a Lamborghini, a yacht, and a castle."
My Friend: Did you know a screw and the wall can have sex.
My friend: Yeah it can because my screw went threw the wall and the wall was your mom!
Me: Tell that too you sister!
My friend: I Dont have a sister!?!
Me: You will in 3 mounths.
Teacher: Shut up every one! This is reading class no one should be talking
Me: Ok shut up!
Teacher: Principle now.
Me: Principle isnt in here dumbie.
Teacher: Ok smart guy whats 9+10?
Me: 3 babys and some cum left over.
Teacher: Ok im calling your parents!
Me: You cant there making a dog.
Teacher: How the FUCK can they MAKE a dog.
Me: You just said it.
*Teacher storms out the room*
Bully: Man you got to have no balls to do that.
Me: I know you'll find the answer for that in a few days
*Bullys phone rings*
Bully: Hello. YOUR PREGNATE!
Me: Never mind you'll find out now.
Thx for reading this give me a kickass for how long this was!
By the way give me a kickass for a free asian chick!
There are three friends, Shut the hell up, Your manners, and Bear Shit. One day they're in the woods and bear shit gets lost and your manners looks for him. Shut the hell up goes to the police station "my friend is missing can you help me?" The officer says "what's your name?" "Shut the hell up" "what?" Shut the hell up" "say that again?" Shut the hell up!" "Son where's your manners?" "That's what I've been trying to tell you! He's out in the woods looking for bear shit"
Boy: I'll pay you 10 bucks to climb up the flagpole.
Girl: ok.(climbs the flagpole)
Girl: Mommy Mommy a boy paid me 10 bucks to climb the flagpole. Mom: He just wanted to see your underwear!
(Same boy): I'll pay you 20 BUCKS to climb the flagpole!
Girl: OK thanks! (climbs the flagpole)
Girl: Mommy Mommy today the boy paid me 20 BUCKS for climbing the flagpole, but today I tricked him this time I wasn't wearing underwear.
Little Billy came home from school to see the families pet rooster dead in the front yard. Rigor mortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air. When his Dad came home Billy said, "Dad our roosters dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why are his legs sticking in the air?" His father thinking quickly said, "Son, that's so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven." "Gee Dad that's great," said little Billy. A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Billy rushed out to meet him yelling, "Dad, Dad we almost lost Mom today!" "What do you mean?" said Dad. "Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mom flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming, "Jesus I'm coming, I'm coming" If it hadn't of been for Uncle George holding her down we'd have lost her for sure!"
One day there was this little girl watching TV and she sees 2 girls kissing. She ask her mom "Mommy why are those two girls kissing?" The mother then Replied "Oh their just making a cake. The little girls says "Oh Okay". The very next day the little girl is watching tV and she see two black guys kissing. She asked her mother "Mommy why are those two guys kissing?" The mother Replied again "Oh their just making a cake" The little girl says again "Oh Okay". The very next morning the mother was coming down the stairs and she sees her daughter with a smile on her face and her mother ask "Why such a smile?" The little girl replies "I seen you and daddy make a cake last night" The mother looks at her daughter in shocks and says "Oh really how's that?" The little girl Replied "I lick the frosting off the couch"
Kick ass for gross awesome funny
Ignore if didn't get the joke