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I farted in an Apple store today and everyone yelled at me. It's not my fault they don't have Windows.
eBay is so useless. I tried to look up lighters and all they had was 13,749 matches.
Queen: "come to bed"King: "not until i have a name for my soldiers"Queen: "k night"King: "babe ur a fukin genius"
I don't know if my ceiling is THE best ceiling, but it's definitely up there.
My girlfriend broke up with me because I stole her wheelchair i knew she'd come crawling back
Can't believe they fired me from the clock factory after all the extra hours I put in.
I got into a fight with my boner this morning. Don't worry, I beat it single handedly
If a blind woman tells you your penis is big, she's probably just pulling your leg
I always go the extra mile, which is why I was fired from Uber.
Taylor Swift and Tom Hiddleston just broke up. It's a bit of a Thor point, but they're keeping it Loki
Told my girlfriend to meet me at the gym, then stood her up. I just wanted her to know that we weren't working out.
I hear Apple is designing a new car.They are having trouble installing the windows
Just back from the zoo. Saw a slice of toast lying in one of the enclosures. It was bread in captivity.
The answers to my anatomy test were inside me the whole time.
My bank balance is like a midget in a marathon. It's running a little short.
I was going to make a joke about a needle but it was pointless
Did you know that the invention of the shovel was a ground breaking invention?
I was lonely, so I bought some shares. It's nice to have a bit of company.
Why are ghosts encouraged to work at bars? They raise the spirits!
I'd like to thank the girl with no sports bra who ran with me through the last few miles of yesterday's marathon. Your lack of support got me through.