Best Jokes of the Year
A gorilla dies of old age at a zoo right before the zoo opens. It is the only gorilla at the zoo since they are not very profitable.
However, the gorilla is their most popular attraction by far, and they cannot afford to go a day without it. So the zoo owner asks one of his workers to wear a gorilla suit they have in storage for an extra $100 a day if he will go in the gorilla cage and pretend to be the gorilla until the zoo can afford a new one.
Quickly, the new "gorilla" becomes the most popular craze at the zoo. People from all over are coming to see the "Human-like" gorilla.
About a month in, the craze has started to wear off. So, to get peoples' attention back, he decides to climb over his enclosure and hang from the net ceiling above the lions den next to him. A large crowd of people gather watching the spectacle in awe and terror. Suddenly the man loses his grip and falls to the floor of the lion's den. The man starts screaming "HELP!! HELP!!!" Suddenly a lion pounces him from behind and whispers in his ear, "Shut the fuck up right now or you're going to get us both fired."
A black man was walking on a beach one day and saw a girl with no hands or legs crying.
He went up to her and asked why was she crying?
The girls said "Because no-one ever hugged me."
So the man hugged her and left.
The next day the same man was walking on the same beach and saw the same girl crying.
He asked her why was she crying?
She said "Becuase no-one ever kissed me."
So the man kissed her on the cheek and left.
The next day the same man was walking on the same beach and saw te same girl crying.
Again he asked her why was she crying.
She said "Becuase no-one ever f**ked me before"
So the man picked the girl up and threw her in the ocean and siad "Now you are fucked.
A tough looking group of hairy bikers are riding when they see a girl about to jump off a bridge, so they stop. The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?" "I'm going to commit suicide," she says. While he doesn’t want to appear insensitive, he also doesn’t want to miss an opportunity, so he asks, "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?" She does, and it is a long, deep, lingering kiss. After she's finished, the tough, hairy biker says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I’ve ever had! That's a real talent you’re wasting. You could be famous. Why are you committing suicide?" "My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl…"
I live in Osaka, Japan and often use the subway to go to work in the morning. One day, when I was waiting for the train, I noticed a homeless man standing in a corner of the subway station, muttering to himself as people passed by. He was holding out a cup and seemed to be begging for spare change.
A fat woman passed by the homeless man and I distinctly heard him say, “Pig.”
Wow, I thought to myself. This homeless man is insulting people and he still expects them to give him money? Then a tall businessman went by and the homeless guy muttered, “Human.” Human? I can’t argue with that. Obviously, he was human. The next day, I arrived early at the subway station and had some time to kill, so I decided to stand close to the homeless man and listen to his strange mutterings. A thin, haggard-looking man passed in front of him and I heard the homeless guy mutter, “Cow.” Cow? I thought. The man was much too skinny to be a cow. He looked more like a turkey or a chicken to me. A minute or so later, a fat man went by and the homeless man said, “Potato.” Potato? I was under the impression that he called all fat people “Pig”. That day, at work, I couldn’t stop thinking about the homeless man and his puzzling behavior. I kept trying to find some logic or pattern in what he was muttering. Perhaps he has some kind of psychic ability, I thought. Maybe he knows what these people were in a previous life. In Japan, many people believe in reincarnation. I observed the homeless man many times and began to think my theory was right. I often heard him calling people things like “Rabbit” or “Onion” or “Sheep” or “Tomato”. One day, curiosity got the better of me and I decided to ask him what was going on. As I walked up to him, he looked at me and said “Bread.” I tossed some money into his cup and asked him if he had some kind of psychic ability. The homeless man smiled and said, “Yes, indeed. I do have a psychic ability. It is an ability I obtained years ago. But it is not what you might expect. I can’t tell the future or read minds or anything like that.” “Then what is your ability,” I asked eagerly. “The ability is merely to know the last thing somebody ate,” he said. I laughed because I realized he was right. He said “Bread.” The last thing I had eaten for breakfast that day was toast. I walked away shaking my head. Of all the psychic abilities someone could have, that one must be the most useless. What is the hidden horror?
There's a fly above a river and there's a fish in the water. The fish says if that fly drops six inches I can get it.
There's a bear on the river bank that says if that fly drops six inches the fish will get the fly and I can get the fish.
There's a hunter about 100 yards back that says if that fly drops six inches the fish will get the fly the bear will get the fish and I'll get the bear. Also, the hunter has crackers next to him and there's a mouse.
The mouse says if that fly drops six inches the fish will get the fly the bear will get the fish and the hunter will get the bear and I can get the crackers up on a hill.
There's a cat that says if that fly drops six inches the fish will get the fly the bear will get the fish the hunter will get the bear the mouse will get the crackers and I can get the mouse.
So what happens the fly drops six inches, the fish gets the fly, the bear gets the fish, the hunter gets the bear, the mouse gets the crackers, but when the cat went he tripped and fell into the river. So the moral of the story is every time a fly drops six inches a pussy is sure to get wet.