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Vote kickass if you're reading jokes instead of doing homework
My favorite part of a marathon is watching the reaction of runners who grab my plastic cup of vodka.
I don't know if liquor is the answer, but it's worth a shot!
Current relationship status: Made dinner for two. Ate both.
I won $3 million on the lottery this weekend so I decided to donate a quarter of it to charity. Now I have $2,999,999.75.
Violence is never the answer. It's just a really good solution.
Never tell a woman that her place is in the kitchen. That's where the knives are kept.
I wonder how many miles I've scrolled with my thumb.
Good women are found in every corner of the earth. Unfortunately earth is round.
Alcohol won't solve your problems. But then again neither will milk or orange juice.
My mom said that if I don't get off my computer and do my homework she'll slam my head on the keyboard, but I think she's jokinfjreoiwjrtwe4to8rkljreun8f4ny84c8y4t58lym4wthylmhawt4mylt4amlathnatyn
I had a wet dream about you last night... I pissed myself laughing when you fell off a cliff!
Studies have shown that intelligent people swear more than stupid motherf*ckers.
When you're so deep in the friend zone that you've met her boyfriend's parents...
Is the "S" or the "C" silent in the word "scent"?
Today I will be as useless as the "g" in lasagna.
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004.
I really need to stop blaming autocorrect and face the fact that I can't spill.
I don't trust joggers. They're always the ones that find the dead bodies. Just sayin'.