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You know you're ugly when it comes to a group picture and they hand you the camera.
Sometimes I like to hide my wife's inhaler so the neighbors think I'm a stallion when they hear her panting "Give it to me!
I'm the kind of guy who stops the microwave at 1 second just to feel like a bomb defuser.
It's funny how axe handles are made of wood.It's like the ultimate 'Fuck you' to trees.
Assassins are impressive. Its not the killing part that impresses me; its that they figured out a way to fit "ass" into the same word twice.
Just read that 4,153,237 people got married last year, not to cause any trouble but shouldn't that be an even number?
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
Dentists make money off of people with bad teeth. Why should I trust the toothpaste they recommend?
It's so cold outside, I actually saw a gangster pull his pants up.
"No, thanks. I'm a vegetarian." is a fun thing to say when someone hands you their baby.
Isn't it weird how when a cop drives by you feel paranoid instead of protected.
Kickass this if you like titties
I have so much debt, I can start a government.
The awkward moment when you mispronounce organism in science class.
When I seen a nun in a wheelchair one thought came to mind. Virgin mobile.
Today; I saw a baby with a shirt that said, "I'm what happened in Vegas"
You're not fat, you're just... easier to see.
I get my cereal from a tiger, insurance from a gecko, toilet paper from a bear, financial advice from a gorilla. It's people I don't trust.
Tupperware needs to be called TupperWHERE THE FUCK IS THE LID.
I'll change my facebook username to NOBODY so that way when people post crappy posts,and i press the like button it will say NOBODY likes this