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I was at the bank the other day, and an elderly woman asked me to check her balance. So I pushed her over
I'll never forget my grandpa's final words, "stop shaking the ladder you cunt."
What do you call the security outside of a Samsung Store?
Guardians of the Galaxy.
There are so many scams on the Internet these days....but for $19.95 I can show you how to avoid them
200 lbs on Earth is only 74 lbs on Mars. I'm not fat, I'm just on the wrong planet.
I would tell you a joke about sodium, but Na
Whenever I pass someone texting and driving, I throw my beer at their window.
Promises are like babies Fun to make , but hell to deliver.
I'm great at multitasking. I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.
Did you know a day on mercury lasts for 1,408 hours?Same as a Monday on earth.
Thanks, motion sensor restroom sinks, I only wanted to wash my hands for 0.0000251 seconds anyway.
I'm in a good place right now... not emotionally. I'm just at the liquor store.
I play the worlds most dangerous sport. I disagree with my wife.
Phones are getting thinner and smarter. People, not so much.
I would lose weight, but I hate losing.
Is your refrigerator running? Cause I might vote for it.
For Christmas last year I got a sweater...this year I'd prefer a moaner or a squirter.
Q) What is 50 Cent's real name ?A) Arthur Dollar !If you get it, you know what to do
LSD causes users to lose weight. Obviously. You can't eat when a dragon is guarding the fridge.
You know you're a bad driver when your GPS says "In 400 feet, stop and let me out."