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Good women are found in every corner of the earth. Unfortunately earth is round.
I was at the bank the other day, and an elderly woman asked me to check her balance. So I pushed her over
I'll never forget my grandpa's final words, "stop shaking the ladder you cunt."
I don't trust joggers. They're always the ones that find the dead bodies. Just sayin'.
Today I will be as useless as the "g" in lasagna.
Did you know a day on mercury lasts for 1,408 hours?Same as a Monday on earth.
I would tell you a joke about sodium, but Na
200 lbs on Earth is only 74 lbs on Mars. I'm not fat, I'm just on the wrong planet.
Promises are like babies Fun to make , but hell to deliver.
What do you call the security outside of a Samsung Store?
Guardians of the Galaxy.
Thanks, motion sensor restroom sinks, I only wanted to wash my hands for 0.0000251 seconds anyway.
I'm in a good place right now... not emotionally. I'm just at the liquor store.
I'm great at multitasking. I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.
I would lose weight, but I hate losing.
I play the worlds most dangerous sport. I disagree with my wife.
Whenever I pass someone texting and driving, I throw my beer at their window.
Q) What is 50 Cent's real name ?A) Arthur Dollar !If you get it, you know what to do
Is your refrigerator running? Cause I might vote for it.
Phones are getting thinner and smarter. People, not so much.
LSD causes users to lose weight. Obviously. You can't eat when a dragon is guarding the fridge.