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Just read that 4,153,237 people got married last year, not to cause any trouble but shouldn't that be an even number?
I'm the kind of guy who stops the microwave at 1 second just to feel like a bomb defuser.
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
I'll change my facebook username to NOBODY so that way when people post crappy posts,and i press the like button it will say NOBODY likes this
It's so cold outside, I actually saw a gangster pull his pants up.
You're not fat, you're just... easier to see.
Isn't it weird how when a cop drives by you feel paranoid instead of protected.
The awkward moment when you mispronounce organism in science class.
Kickass this if you like titties
Roses are redThat part is trueBut violets are purpleNot f*cking blue
Today; I saw a baby with a shirt that said, "I'm what happened in Vegas"
A gift card is a great way to say, "Go buy your own f*ckin' present".
I don't always have time to study, but when I do, I don't.
Life is all about perspective. The sinking of the Titanic was a miracle to the lobsters in the ship's kitchen.
like this kickass if your bored
Maybe if we all emailed the constitution to each other, the NSA will finally read it.
Lazy People Fact #5812672793You were too lazy to read that number.
I almost had a threesome last night I just needed two more people
I'm naming my TV remote Waldo for obvious reasons.
My favorite exercise is a cross between a lunge and a crunch.
It’s called Lunch.