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why do midgets laugh while running through the yard?
The grass tickles their nuts
I am more pissed off than a dragon trying to blow out candles.
Accidentally pooped my pants in the elevator.I'm taking this shit to a whole new level.
Life without women would be a pain in the ass, literally.
You know you're ugly when it comes to a group picture and they hand you the camera.
I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, "I'm peeing in here!"Fucking b*tch.
"Don't kid yourself" would be a great slogan for a condom company
Alcohol should be served in Capri Sun pouches.When you can no longer get the straw in the hole, you've had enough.
Every time someone calls me fat I get so depress I cut myself... a piece of cake.
I'm the kind of guy who stops the microwave at 1 second just to feel like a bomb defuser.
If a quiz is quizzical, then what does that make a test?
Sometimes I like to hide my wife's inhaler so the neighbors think I'm a stallion when they hear her panting "Give it to me!
I wonder if anyone has watched Storage Wars and said "hey that's my shit!"
It's all shits and giggles until someone giggles and shits!
Whatever you do in life, always give 100%. Unless you're donating blood...
Everyone's middle name should be "Motherf*ckin". Try it. Doesn't it sound so great?
Assassins are impressive. Its not the killing part that impresses me; its that they figured out a way to fit "ass" into the same word twice.
Marriage is like a deck of cards. In the beginning all you need is two hearts and a diamond but by the end you wish u had a club and a spade.
Taco Bell doesn't have a playground, because it's hard to have fun when you might shit your pants at any minute.
Dentists make money off of people with bad teeth. Why should I trust the toothpaste they recommend?