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Q: What does eating pussy and being in the mafia have in common?A: One slip of the tongue and your in deep shit!
Q: What did the egg say before it got boiled?A: It's gonna take me awhile to get hard, I just got laid by a chick!
I never forget my son's first words... "Where the heck have you been for 16 years?"
My boss told me I intimidate my coworkers so I just stared at him until he apologized.
Arguing with a woman is like buying a lottery ticket. You know you're not gonna win, but you're sure as hell gonna try.
I threw a boomerang many years ago. I now live in constant fear.
Yesterday I took laxatives and Viagra at the same time. I didn't know if I was coming or going.
I was polite today. I said please. Well actually, I said "b*tch please"... But whatever.
There's no "I" in "team" but there are 5 in "individual brilliance".
I've been taking Viagra for my sunburn. It doesn't cure it but it keeps the sheets off my legs at night.
She's single if her man can't beat you up.
Autocorrect changed Morning Run to Morning Rum. Change Of Plans, Guys!
It’s a good thing farts aren’t “contagious” like yawns.
I'm pretty sober, but I'm prettier drunk.
The only dates I get these days are software updates.
ME: How much for the baby dragon?PET STORE CLERK: Sir, that’s a lizard.ME: *not listening* When do they start breathing fire?
Being in a relationship is like riding a bike, but the bike is on fire and everything around you is on fire because you're in hell.
What did one boob say to the other boob? You are my breast friend!
Don't drink and drive cuz you might spill the drink.
I wrote a song about a tortilla well actually it’s more of a wrap
I feel bad for single guys out there. Snap chat filters make 2s look like 10s. Good luck.
"Beauty is not in the face; beauty is a light in the heart ". Does that mean Iron Man is the most beautiful person on earth?
Deuces are wild in poker and in Taco Bell bathrooms.
Your body is a poop gun and eating is reloading.
All the people who had candy stolen from them as babies, are now the adults buying girl scout cookies outside dispensaries.
Friend: "Hey do you like Disney????"Me: " Yo breath stink, you better bibbity bobbity back the f*ck up."
Did you hear about the guys who got arrested for cow tipping, They got off on a tecchnicowlity.
The most romantic thing you can do for a Nigerian girl is buy her a rose, oh i almost forgot to add ROYCE.
This is not a good joke because there is no punchline.