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You know you're ugly when it comes to a group picture and they hand you the camera.
Sometimes I like to hide my wife's inhaler so the neighbors think I'm a stallion when they hear her panting "Give it to me!
I'm the kind of guy who stops the microwave at 1 second just to feel like a bomb defuser.
It's funny how axe handles are made of wood.It's like the ultimate 'Fuck you' to trees.
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
Just read that 4,153,237 people got married last year, not to cause any trouble but shouldn't that be an even number?
Dentists make money off of people with bad teeth. Why should I trust the toothpaste they recommend?
I'll change my facebook username to NOBODY so that way when people post crappy posts,and i press the like button it will say NOBODY likes this
It's so cold outside, I actually saw a gangster pull his pants up.
Isn't it weird how when a cop drives by you feel paranoid instead of protected.
You're not fat, you're just... easier to see.
Kickass this if you like titties
The awkward moment when you mispronounce organism in science class.
Today; I saw a baby with a shirt that said, "I'm what happened in Vegas"
Roses are redThat part is trueBut violets are purpleNot f*cking blue
A gift card is a great way to say, "Go buy your own f*ckin' present".
I don't always have time to study, but when I do, I don't.
like this kickass if your bored
Life is all about perspective. The sinking of the Titanic was a miracle to the lobsters in the ship's kitchen.
Maybe if we all emailed the constitution to each other, the NSA will finally read it.