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Accidentally pooped my pants in the elevator.I'm taking this shit to a whole new level.
I am more pissed off than a dragon trying to blow out candles.
You know you're ugly when it comes to a group picture and they hand you the camera.
Life without women would be a pain in the ass, literally.
I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, "I'm peeing in here!"Fucking b*tch.
Sometimes I like to hide my wife's inhaler so the neighbors think I'm a stallion when they hear her panting "Give it to me!
I'm the kind of guy who stops the microwave at 1 second just to feel like a bomb defuser.
Alcohol should be served in Capri Sun pouches.When you can no longer get the straw in the hole, you've had enough.
Every time someone calls me fat I get so depress I cut myself... a piece of cake.
It's all shits and giggles until someone giggles and shits!
If a quiz is quizzical, then what does that make a test?
I wonder if anyone has watched Storage Wars and said "hey that's my shit!"
Whatever you do in life, always give 100%. Unless you're donating blood...
Marriage is like a deck of cards. In the beginning all you need is two hearts and a diamond but by the end you wish u had a club and a spade.
Assassins are impressive. Its not the killing part that impresses me; its that they figured out a way to fit "ass" into the same word twice.
Everyone's middle name should be "Motherf*ckin". Try it. Doesn't it sound so great?
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
Dentists make money off of people with bad teeth. Why should I trust the toothpaste they recommend?
It's funny how axe handles are made of wood.It's like the ultimate 'Fuck you' to trees.
Taco Bell doesn't have a playground, because it's hard to have fun when you might shit your pants at any minute.