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Just read that 4,153,237 people got married last year, not to cause any trouble but shouldn't that be an even number?
I'm the kind of guy who stops the microwave at 1 second just to feel like a bomb defuser.
I'll change my facebook username to NOBODY so that way when people post crappy posts,and i press the like button it will say NOBODY likes this
It's so cold outside, I actually saw a gangster pull his pants up.
You're not fat, you're just... easier to see.
Isn't it weird how when a cop drives by you feel paranoid instead of protected.
Roses are redThat part is trueBut violets are purpleNot f*cking blue
Today; I saw a baby with a shirt that said, "I'm what happened in Vegas"
Kickass this if you like titties
A gift card is a great way to say, "Go buy your own f*ckin' present".
Life is all about perspective. The sinking of the Titanic was a miracle to the lobsters in the ship's kitchen.
Maybe if we all emailed the constitution to each other, the NSA will finally read it.
like this kickass if your bored
Lazy People Fact #5812672793You were too lazy to read that number.
I'm naming my TV remote Waldo for obvious reasons.
My favorite exercise is a cross between a lunge and a crunch.
It’s called Lunch.
I have the heart of a lion. And a lifetime ban from the zoo.
If only God can judge us than Santa has some explaining to do.
Dating a single mother is like continuing from somebody else's saved game.
My vacuum cleaner broke. I put a Dallas Cowboys sticker on it, and now it sucks again.