Best New Dirty Jokes
A father shows up at his daughter’s home and finds his son-in-law angrily packing his bags.
“What is going on here?” he asks.
“I texted my wife that I was coming home today from my business trip, and what did I find when I walked through the door? Her making out with our neighbor! I’m leaving!”
“Now calm down,” says his ?father-in-law. “There must be a ?simple explanation. I’ll find out what happened.” Moments later, he reappears. “I told you there was a simple explanation, and there is,” he says. “She never got your text.”
Husband teaching baby girl how to talk Husband: say Dady Daughter : mommy Husband : no dady Daughter : mommy Mom : Harold you burnt the cupcakes Husband : shit Daughter : Sh-it Mom: who taught you that
Husband : Daddy
Four nuns die and arrive at the Gates of Heaven. They line up in front of St Peter.
The first nun says “St Peter, I once saw a man’s penis. May I still enter?”
St Peter replies “Wash your eyes in this font of holy water and proceed.”
The second nun says “St Peter, I once touched a man’s penis. May I still enter?”
St Peter replies “Wash your hands in this font of holy water and proceed.”
St Peter suddenly notices a scuffle between the last two nuns. The fourth nun is trying to cut in front of the third nun. “What is going on?” he asks the fourth nun.
“I’m trying to go first so I can wash my mouth out before she sticks her arse in the font”.
A guy walks into a bar, and sees 50 bucks on the counter, and asks what its for. A guy walks up yo him and said, "If you can make my donkey laugh I'll give you this money. Leaves the room and comes back, and the donkey is cracking up, he takes the money then leaves. Comes back the next day and sees 100 bucks on the counter, the guy said if you can make my donkey laugh I'll give you this money. He leaves the room and comes back and the donkeys balling. How did you do this? The guy replies "well yesterday I told him my dick was bigger then his and today I proved it." -takes the money and leaves-
Tim, Tom, and Teddy were all lost in the forest, each of them had 25 cents to survive. They walked around for hours, and had no luck.
So Tim suggested that they split up and meet up at that same spot in an hour, they all agreed and set out on their separate ways.
While walking Tim came across a dick sucking machine, that cost 25 to use, and he says, "Wow! Haven't got my dick sucked in a while! Why not!" So he puts in his quarter, gets his dick sucked and continues on his way.
Then while Tom was walking he comes across it as well, he realized they only had 10 minutes until they were to all meet up again, so he says "Well I haven't got my dick sucked in a while, why not?" so he puts in his quarter and gets his dick sucked, after gathering himself he realizes he needed to hurry back , he gets there and Tom and Teddy are waiting for him.
"Where were you?" asked Teddy.
"Lost track of time." Said Tom
"Well does everyone have their quarters?" Asks Teddy.
They all share a look. "Well?" asks Teddy.
"I lost mine!" Said Tim and Tom at the same time.
Teddy then smiles and pulls out 3 quarters.
so a pickle and cucumber where talking. the cucumber said to the pickle when ever i get big fat and juice i get sliced up and put on a salad, the pickle said when i get big fat and juice i get sliced up and put in a jar. a penis over heard the conversation and said that's nothing, when i get big fat and juice my owner put a bag over my head and sticks me in a dark smelly room and makes me do push-ups until i throw up.