Best Dirty Jokes of the Month
A guy walked into a bar and saw a sign that said cheeseburgers 3$ hotdogs 5$ and handjobs 10$ He goes to the bar and asks the lady "are you the one that gives handjobs" and she said yes, then he replied "well wash your hands I want a cheeseburger
An elderly woman that had lost her husband a couple years ago decided that it was time for a new husband. So being the old fashioned woman she is, put an add in the paper. It stated. Looking for a husband. Must not run around. Must not hit on me but must also be good in bed.Well one day she heard the door bell ring. When she answered it, she was shocked to see a man in a wheelchair with no arms or legs.
Man: afternoon ma'am. I'm here about the add in the paper.
Woman: you? But your in a wheelchair.
Man: well you see I have no legs so I won't run around on you.
Man: you see I have no arms so I can't hit on you.
Woman: yes that's true. But are you good in bed?
Man: I rang the doorbell didn't I.
One day, a space ship landed in a farmer's field and a Martian man and his wife got out and introduced themselves to the farmer and his wife. As a token of his friendship, the farmer immediately invited the Martian couple in his home and begged them to stay for the evening and have dinner, so the Martians agreed. Later that night, the Martian man explained how, on their planet, it was customary to swap partners as a token of friendship. The farmer, not wanting to offend his alien neighbors, readily agreed. The Martian then man took the farmer's wife into one bedroom while the farmer took the Martian woman into another. They had been having sex for about an hour when the Martian man asked the farmer's wife, "Well, how do you like having sex with a Martian? How does it feel?" The farmer's wife replied "It needs to be a little bigger around." So the Martian man twisted his right ear and presto, his penis became bigger around. About an hour later, the Martian man asked the farmer's wife again "How does it feel now?" The farmer's wife responded "I think it needs to be a little longer." So the Martian man twisted his left ear and presto, his penis became longer. The next morning, after their alien neighbors had left, the farmer and his wife were having coffee at the breakfast table and the farmer asked his wife "How was the Martian man?" To this, the farmer's wife replied "Fine." "And how about the Martian woman?" The farmer replied, "That damn b*tch yanked on my f*cking ears all night long!"
jim a 85 year old man goes to his doctor. he tells the doctor that he cant get his junk hard. and so the doctor getting annoyed tells jim that he became too old.
after listening to this jim says the doctor that he has a girlfreind who is just 18 years old and is pregnant.
after hearing this the docotor tells him "let me tell you a story jim, one day a man was leaving for hunting and was in a hurry. so instead of picking his gun up he picked his umbrella and went for hunting. after eaching the jungle suddenly a big bear comes in front of him and he takes out his umbrella and shoots and guess what ? the bear died!!
jim tells " what stupidity doctor! obviously someone else might have shot the bear!!
doctor - "EXACTLY NIGGA"
In First Grade
Teacher : "Johnny what's the answer to 1+1?"
Unfortunately, the bell rings. The teacher tells johnny it's his homework..
Johnny : "Daddy.. what's 1+1?" (mom and dad were fighting)
Daddy : "F**k you!"
Johnny : "Brother, what's 1+1?" (brother is learning karate)
Brother : "Can't touch dis!"
Johnny : "Sister, what's 1+1?" (sister is reading the newspapers)
Sister : "Donald Trump, President of the US!
Johnny : "Grandma, what's 1+1?" (grandma is letting guests in)
Grandma : "But it's cold outside!"
Johnny was tired... so he went to sleep...
The Next Morning
Teacher : "Johhny, what's 1+1?"
Johnny : "F**k you!"
Teacher : "I'll slap you!" (hand reaches forard)
Johnny : (blocks hand) "Can't touch dis!
Teacher : Who taught you that?
Johnny : Donald Trump, President of the US!
Teacher : "Get out!"
Johnny : "But it's cold outside!"
Teacher : #!!??%#&%&?!
Steven when he was in junior school..
teacher: who ever talks in class is a donkey.
Steven: (laughs)your the donkey miss..
Steven when he is in high school.
teacher :who ever talks in class will get f*cked up by a gay
Steven: im a gay miss.;D