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68 results for "christmas"
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Redneck Joke
You just might be a redneck if nothing under your Christmas tree is paid for.
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Anti-Humor Joke
What did the boy with no arms and no legs get for Christmas?
Cancer.
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Anti-Humor Joke
What did the homeless man get for christmas?
Nothing.
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Anti-Humor Joke
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don't know what he got. He hasn't opened it yet
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One Liners Joke
Santa saw your facebook pictures...You're getting clothes and a Bible for Christmas.
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Racial Joke
Why do Mexicans make tamales for Christmas?
So they have something to unwrap.
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Anti-Humor Joke
All I want for Christmas is you, lol JK, I want an iPhone 5.
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Anti-Humor Joke
Last Christmas,
I gave you my heart,
The very next day,
Your body rejected the transplant and you died.
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Dirty Joke
Rudolph the well hung reindeer,
Had a great enormous cock,
All he could ever do with it, was beat it off inside a sock,
All of the female reindeer, Had pussies that were just too small,
Poor old well hung Rudolph, Could not get any sex at all,
Then one horny Christmas eve, Santa came to say, "Rudolph with your cock so strong... Fuck my arsehole all night long!"
Then all the reindeer loved him, A few of them were heard to say,
"Rudolph the well hung reindeer... You're so lucky Santa's gay"
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Puns Joke
My cats gonna shit when he sees his new litter box I got him for Christmas.
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Dirty Joke
Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house everyone felt shitty even the mouse.
Mom at the whorehouse and dad smoking grass, I settled down for a nice piece of ass.
When all of a sudden I heard such a clatter, I sprung from my place to see what was the matter.
When out on the lawn I saw a big dick, I new in a moment it must be Saint Nick.
He came down the chimney like a bat out of hell, I knew in a moment the f*cker had fell.
He filled all of our stockings with pretzels and beer and a big rubber dick for my brother the queer.
He rose up the chimney with a thunderous fart, the son of a b*tch tore the chimney apart.
He swore and he cursed as he flew out of sight, "piss on you all and have a hell of a night." :)
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Celebrities Joke
How did Nicki Minaj know what Lil Wayne is giving her for Christmas?
Lil Wayne isn't very good at wrapping.
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Yo Momma Joke
Yo Momma so fat, I took a picture of her last Christmas and it's still printing.
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Celebrities Joke
How are Justin Bieber and a Christmas tree similar?
Both their balls are decoration only.
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Long Joke
Every year, Grandma and her grandkids, Suzy, Jill, and Billy come stay with her over Christmas. And every Christmas Eve they would make a big bowl of cookie dough so they could make cookies on Christmas Day. And every time, the next morning the cookie dough would be gone. The grandma could never catch them, so this year she put metal bb's in the cookie dough. The next morning, the cookie dough was gone and soon Suzy came running downstairs.
''Grandma, I went to the bathroom to pee and bb's came out.''
"Suzy," Grandma said. "I know you've been eating cookie dough. Sit down." Then Jill came down and said ''Grandma, I went poo and there were bb's in it.''
"Jill, I know you've been eating cookie dough. Sit down." About five minutes later little Billy came.
''Grandma something terrible has happened, I was jerking off in the garage and I shot the cat!''
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Blonde Joke
What do you call three blondes on Christmas?
Ho,Ho,Ho
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Yo Momma Joke
your moms like a christmass tree all the guys put there balls on her.
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Dirty Joke
One Christmas Eve, Santa Claus comes down the chimney and is startled by a beautiful 19 year old blonde. She said "Santa, will you stay with me?", Santa replied, "Ho Ho Ho gotta go, gotta go, gotta deliver these toys to good girls and boys."
So she took off her night gown, wearing only a bra and panties, she asked "Santa, now will you stay with me?"
"Ho Ho Ho gotta go, gotta go, gotta deliver these toys to good girls and boys."
She takes off everything and says "Santa, now will you stay with me?"
Santa replies "Gotta stay, gotta stay, can't get up the chimney with my d*ck this way!"
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Pick Up Lines Joke
If your left leg was Christmas and your right leg was New Years...can I kiss you between the holidays.
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Racial Joke
What did the black kid get for christmas? Your Bike
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Redneck Joke
You know you're a redneck if you're Christmas lights are inside of empty shot gun shells
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Pick Up Lines Joke
Boy: I'm sorry, can I take a picture with u? I just want to show santa what I want for christmas.
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Anti-Humor Joke
What did the homeless man get for Christmas?
Nothing
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Dirty Joke
If you jingle my bells, I can promise you a white christmas.
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One Liners Joke
There are 364 days until Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up. Unbelievable...
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Racial Joke
What does the black kid across the street get for christmas?
Your bike :D
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Racial Joke
What did the black kid get for Christmas?
Your bike.
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Redneck Joke
You know you are a Redneck if you use all red lights at Christmas so you can leave them up until Valentines day
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Yo Momma Joke
yo mama is so fat that i took a picture of her last christmas and it is still printing
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Yo Momma Joke
yo momma so fat that when i took a picture her last christmas its still printing wright now
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Yo Momma Joke
Yo momma is like a Christmas tree! people hang their balls on her.
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Redneck Joke
You might be a redneck if you use old Skoal cans for Christmas decorations
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Yo Momma Joke
1.Yo mama is so fat that she looked up cheat codes for Wii Fit
2. Yo mama is so fat that she has to iron her pants on the driveway.
3.Yo mama is so fat that people jog around her for exercise.
4. Yo mama is so fat that the last time she saw 90210, it was on a scale.
5.Yo mama is so fat that I took a picture of her last Christmas and it's still printing!
6.Yo mama is so ugly that people go as her for Halloween.
7.Yo mama is so ugly that when she looks in the mirror, the reflection looks back and shakes its head.
8.Yo mama is so ugly that she makes blind children cry.
9.Yo mama is so ugly that her shadow ran away from her.
10.Yo mama is so ugly that when she walks down the street in September, people say "Wow, is it Halloween already?"
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Celebrities Joke
What did OJ Simpson get on Christmas 1993?
A glove, a black knit cap, a knive, and divorce papers
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Anti-Humor Joke
why did sally fall of the swing
she had no arms
Knock knock
who's there
not sally
what did sally get for Christmas we don't know she didn't open it yet
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Pick Up Lines Joke
If your Left leg is Thanksgiving and your Right leg is Christmas, can I visit you in between the holidays?
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Anti-Humor Joke
-A LIST OF EVERYTHING WRONG BIEBER HAS DONE- 27. Declared his retirement on Christmas Eve (December 2013)
26. Was photographed smoking pot (January 2013)
25. Showed up to a concert in London two hours late on a school night; booed by fans (March 2013)
24. Kicked out of a nightclub in Chicago for drinking underage (July 2013)
23. Hosted a loud party at his home, which provoked neighbors to call the cops three times (November 2013)
22. Created graffiti on a hotel in Australia (November 2013) Was stopped at the Canadian border under suspicion of a tour bus connected with his tour having drugs on board (July 2013)
21. Got evicted from a London nightclub on his birthday for stinking the place up with pot and accused of attempting to sneak in his underage friend Jaden Smith; Bieber denied that accusation (March 2013)
20. Rumored to have had three bongs, two large cookie jars filled with pot, and the ingredients for Sizzurp in his house; cops were unable to seize any of it, because it would have exceeded their warrant; LA Sheriff's department denied the claims (January 2014)
19. Got detained at customs in Australia for suspicion of drug possession and using foul language (December 2013)
18. Forced his bodyguards to carry him up the Great Wall of China (October 2013)
17. Got into a fight with a paparazzo; assault charges were never filed (May 2012)
16. Got into a “scuffle” with a DJ in South Korea who refused to play his requests (October 2013)
15. Was photographed apparently spitting on his fans; Bieber denies that’s what happened (July 2013)
14. Allegedly spit at a DJ, who filed a police report for the incident (July 2013)
13. Allegedly started a bar brawl in a New York nightclub, although he wasn’t personally involved in the fight (August 2013)
12. Peed in a bucket in the kitchen of a restaurant where he was eating (July 2013)
11. Was rumored to have cheated on Selena Gomez, causing their break-up (February 2013)
10. Got charged with a driving offense for driving up to 100 MPH in an attempt to lose the paparazzi that were following him (July 2012)
9. Groped a stripper at a strip club (October 2013)
8. Allegedly had drugs and a stun gun on his tour bus in Sweden, apprehended by police (April 2013)
7. Got himself barred from Germany for not paying an outstanding $800,000 fine (August 2013)
6. Was photographed coming out of a brothel in Brazil; the girl he allegedly slept with released a video of him sleeping online (November 2013)
5. Accused of egging his neighbor’s house and causing $20,000 worth of damages, making it a felony; Bieber's house was searched and his friend Lil Za was arrested (January 2014)
4. Accused of spitting at and threatening to kill his neighbor, who confronted him about his reckless driving; no charges were filed (October 2013)
3. Allegedly hit a paparazzo with his car; charges were later dismissed (July 2013)
2. Got arrested on charges of drag racing in a residential area, driving under the influence, resisting arrest, and driving with an expired license (January 2014)
1. Abandoned his pet monkey, OG Mally, in Germany after the animal was seized when Bieber couldn’t produce the right paperwork to take it on tour (March 2013)
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Yo Momma Joke
Yo mamma's like a Christmas tree; everybody's hanging balls on her.
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Yo Momma Joke
Yo mama is like a christmas tree...everyone hangs balls on her
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Yo Momma Joke
Yo momma is so fat that I took a photo of her at Christmas and it's still printing
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Long Joke
A boy and his mum go christmas shopping and they see two women having a fight, and their calling each other b*tches and bastards and dicks and vaginas. when they get to the car the boy asks his mum what a b*tch and bastard is, so she replies well a b*tch is a girl and a bastards a boy. The boy then asks whats a dick and a vagina and she says a dick is a hat and a vaginas a coat. so they go home and the kid goes up stairs to the toilet and his dads shaving in the shower and he cuts himself and says shit! and the boy goes what's shit? then his dad says oh um, just a new type of shaving cream i'm using. then then kid goes downstairs where his mum accidenatally cuts herself cutting the turkey and she says f***k! so the boy asks what f*ck is and his mum goes just a new way of cutting the turkey. then the door bell rings and the boys yells i'll get it and opens the door and his grandparents have aarrived for lunch and the kid goes welcome b*tches and barstards! you can put your dicks and vaginas over there! dads putting shit on his face and mums f***king the turkey!
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Short Joke
Three men wait at the gates of heaven on Christmas Eve. They're told they have to present a Christmas gift to get in. The first man checks his pockets and finds pine needles from his family's tree. He's allowed in. The second hands over a bow and some ribbon. He's allowed in. The third man pulls out a pair of panties. "How do those represent Christmas?" St. Peter asks him.
"Oh," the man replies, "they're Carol's."
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Yo Momma Joke
Yo mama's so frikin fat the picture I took of her last christmas...
IT'S STILL PRINTING!
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Comebacks Joke
Kid: I want a dragon for christmas.
Santa: Be realistic.
Kid: Ok, I want a loyal girlfriend.
Santa: What color dragon do you want?
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Yo Momma Joke
yo mama so stupid,when I told her Christmas was around the corner,she went and looked for it
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Blonde Joke
A blonde was walking in a mall during Christmas time, as she walked by Santa he said "ho ho ho!" She looked back and yelled "sorry! I'm not working right now, but I will tonight!"
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Yo Momma Joke
1. Yo mama so stupid she got locked in a mattress store and slept on the floor.
2. Yo mama so fat I took a picture if her last Christmas (2013) and its still printing.
3. Yo mama so fat when she sat on Walmart, she lowered the prices.
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Racial Joke
What did Hitler get his daughter for Christmas?
An easy bake oven
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Dirty Joke
Kid: you no I want for Christmas. Santa:what? Kid: a boner
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Dirty Joke
*to the tune of jingle bells*
Twerky slut,
Twerky slut,
Get the f*ck way
We don't want no mily Cyrus jr
Messing up our day
Hay!
Twerky slut,
Twerky slut,
Stop I'm gonna be sick
For God's sake your made of plastic
None of yous legit
Hey
Twerky slut..
Jerk: Hey b*tch ain't got no time for Christmas Carols!
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Dirty Joke
It was Christmas Eve. A woman came home to her husband after a day of busy shopping. Later on that night when she was getting undressed for bed, he noticed a mark on the inside of her leg. "What is that?" he asked. She said, "I visited the tattoo parlor today. On the inside of one leg I had them tattoo 'Merry Christmas,' and on the inside of the other one they tattooed 'Happy New Year.'" Perplexed, he asked, "Why did you do that?" "Well," she replied, "now you can't complain that there's never anything to eat between Christmas and New Years!"
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Dirty Joke
A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?” The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make you cry.” This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?” The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.” “A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks. “Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”
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Pick Up Lines Joke
Hey girl, if your left leg is Thanksgiving, and your right leg is Christmas, can I cum between the holidays?
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Dirty Joke
For christmas a little boy asked Santa "Please can you send me a sister?" So Santa answers "Okay just send me your mum!"
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Yo Momma Joke
Yo momma so ugly that Santa came on Christmas Eve, he said "Ho! Ho! Holly shit!!!"
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Anti-Humor Joke
What did the homeless man get for Christmas?
Nothing.
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Comebacks Joke
Boy: "Guess what I'm getting you for Christmas!"
Girl: "What is it?"
Boy: "You know what a yellow Lamborghini looks like?"
Girl: "OMG Seriously?"
Boy: "I got you a toothbrush the same colour :D"
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Short Joke
Last Christmas I gave you my heart...
...so I've been dead for a year now.
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Dirty Joke
There is a little girl on a bike and a cop
On a horse. The cop goes up to the
Little girl and says " did you get that
Bike from Santa?" Little girl says yes.
The cop says next year ask Santa for
Some reflectors and the cop gave her
A $5 fine. Then the girl replies hey cop
Did Santa get you that horse for
Christmas. He says yes. She says tell
Santa next year put the dick on the
Bottom of the horse not the top. LOL!!
My dad is trying to get 500 jackass!!!!
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Yo Momma Joke
Your Momma is so ugly that when it was Christmas Santa came laughing HO HO (Santa see's your mom) HOLY SH*T
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Short Joke
Police: George Michael, you're under arrest for illegal organ harvesting. Last Christmas, someone gave their heart!
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Dirty Joke
“A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?" The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, her breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions." "Onions?" the son asks. "Yes. You see them and they make you cry."
This infuriates his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, "Mom, how many different kinds of penises are there?" The mother smiles and says, "Well, dear, a man also goes through three phases. In his 20s, his penis is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it's like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it's like a Christmas tree." "A Christmas tree?" the daughter asks. "Yes: Dead from the root up, and the balls are just for decoration.”
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One Liners Joke
For Christmas last year I got a sweater...this year I'd prefer a moaner or a squirter.
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Long Joke
Jingle Bells parody 1:
Dashing through the sand
with a bomb stuck to my back,
I've got a nasty plan for Christmas in Iraq.
I got through checkpoint A but not through checkpoint B.
That's when I got shot by the US Military.
Jingle Bells parody 2:
dashing through the snow
on a pair of broken skis, over the hills we go
bashing into trees, the snow is turning red,
I think I'm almost dead,
All I want for Christmas now is a hospital bed.
Jingle Bells Parody 3:
Santa Clause, Santa Clause, Santa Clause is dead
Rudolph took a .44 and shot him in the head, oh
Barbie doll, Barbie doll tried to save his life
but GI- Joe FROM MEXICO stabbed her with a knife
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Dirty Joke
A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?” The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make you cry.” This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?” The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.” “A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks. “Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”
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Yo Momma Joke
Yo mama so fat I took a picture of her at Christmas and it's still printing.
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Celebrities Joke
After watching Kevin’s Spaceys Christmas Eve video hinting at some sort of comeback. I’m going to watch something less unhindged and disturbing like The Human Centipede.
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Short Joke
On the first day of Christmas my true love gave to me...
...nothing because I'm single