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If Snapchat has taught me anything it's that a lot of you females look better as farm animals.
Q: What does eating pussy and being in the mafia have in common?A: One slip of the tongue and your in deep shit!
Q: What did the egg say before it got boiled?A: It's gonna take me awhile to get hard, I just got laid by a chick!
Ice hockey is basically just guys wearing knife shoes fighting each other with long sticks for the last Oreo.
The Japanese have developed a camera shutter so fast it can photograph a girl with her mouth closed.
Yesterday I took laxatives and Viagra at the same time. I didn't know if I was coming or going.
look to your left --------------> I said left you idiot
I never forget my son's first words... "Where the heck have you been for 16 years?"
And then batman said, "I'm here to have dinner with my parents and beat up bad guys. And I'm all out of parents."
I was polite today. I said please. Well actually, I said "b*tch please"... But whatever.
Autocorrect changed Morning Run to Morning Rum. Change Of Plans, Guys!
I've been taking Viagra for my sunburn. It doesn't cure it but it keeps the sheets off my legs at night.
The first 5 days after the weekend are the hardest.
There's no "I" in "team" but there are 5 in "individual brilliance".
The only dates I get these days are software updates.
"Beauty is not in the face; beauty is a light in the heart ". Does that mean Iron Man is the most beautiful person on earth?
Your body is a poop gun and eating is reloading.
Why did the librarian get kicked off the plane? Because it was overbooked