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What do you call the security outside of a Samsung Store?
Guardians of the Galaxy.
I'm great at multitasking. I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.
I play the worlds most dangerous sport. I disagree with my wife.
Whenever I pass someone texting and driving, I throw my beer at their window.
Phones are getting thinner and smarter. People, not so much.
LSD causes users to lose weight. Obviously. You can't eat when a dragon is guarding the fridge.
There are so many scams on the Internet these days....but for $19.95 I can show you how to avoid them
I held the door open for a feminist last month. The trial date is February 12.
Does running late count as exercise?
For Christmas last year I got a sweater...this year I'd prefer a moaner or a squirter.
A Spanish magician wanted to do a trick. He covered himself with a blanket and counted " Uno, Dos," and he vanished without a Tres
I hate it when people get simple sayings wrong. I mean it's not rocket surgery.
We should start telling kids that Santa moved to the Amazon and sends gifts in the mail now.
You know you're a bad driver when your GPS says "In 400 feet, stop and let me out."
My girlfriend broke up with me because I stole her wheelchair i knew she'd come crawling back
I just blew the sugar off my donut. Dieting is so hard.
I awoke this morning feeling angry for no reason... So this is how it feels to be a woman?
Whiskey: The nighttime sniffling, sneezing, how the hell did I wake up on the bathroom floor medicine.
*Note to self It's a lot easier to stuff a turkey after it's dead.
I was born to be wild, but only till about 9:00pm or so.