Search for a category
I was at the bank the other day, and an elderly woman asked me to check her balance. So I pushed her over
What do you call the security outside of a Samsung Store?
Guardians of the Galaxy.
I'm great at multitasking. I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.
Whenever I pass someone texting and driving, I throw my beer at their window.
Phones are getting thinner and smarter. People, not so much.
For Christmas last year I got a sweater...this year I'd prefer a moaner or a squirter.
A Spanish magician wanted to do a trick. He covered himself with a blanket and counted " Uno, Dos," and he vanished without a Tres
LSD causes users to lose weight. Obviously. You can't eat when a dragon is guarding the fridge.
I held the door open for a feminist last month. The trial date is February 12.
We should start telling kids that Santa moved to the Amazon and sends gifts in the mail now.
I hate it when people get simple sayings wrong. I mean it's not rocket surgery.
Truth be told, I never believed in Hell until I married her.
I awoke this morning feeling angry for no reason... So this is how it feels to be a woman?
*Note to self It's a lot easier to stuff a turkey after it's dead.
Saw a bishop the other day, I wonder why he wasn't walking diagonally...
Whiskey: The nighttime sniffling, sneezing, how the hell did I wake up on the bathroom floor medicine.
Today, I bought cupcakes without sprinkles. Dieting is so hard.
One time I f*cked a girl?after I told her that her pussy Is a beautiful secret garden.she said nah,it'smore like a used public park
I was born to be wild, but only till about 9:00pm or so.
If you want a successful relationship, find someone who likes the same thermostat setting you do.