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Whenever I pass someone texting and driving, I throw my beer at their window.
There are so many scams on the Internet these days....but for $19.95 I can show you how to avoid them
I'm great at multitasking. I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.
Phones are getting thinner and smarter. People, not so much.
I play the worlds most dangerous sport. I disagree with my wife.
For Christmas last year I got a sweater...this year I'd prefer a moaner or a squirter.
LSD causes users to lose weight. Obviously. You can't eat when a dragon is guarding the fridge.
You know you're a bad driver when your GPS says "In 400 feet, stop and let me out."
Does running late count as exercise?
I held the door open for a feminist last month. The trial date is February 12.
We should start telling kids that Santa moved to the Amazon and sends gifts in the mail now.
I just blew the sugar off my donut. Dieting is so hard.
Waiting for a mannequin with a beer belly so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
Whiskey: The nighttime sniffling, sneezing, how the hell did I wake up on the bathroom floor medicine.
Only a genius can say these four words out loud four times without stuttering:Eye, Yam, Stew, PeedCongratulations, you are now a genius
I was born to be wild, but only till about 9:00pm or so.
Across the sky and down from heaven that's the way we draw a sevenPlz kickass so my mom stopsDrugsAndCrack1000votes
Me: Ummm hi, how much is the rent for this lovely apartment? Lady: Sir, this is a liquor store.
The 5 second rule for food dropped on the ground doesn't work if you have a 2 second dog.
That mmoent you mqke a post and u relise that u speled half the words rong and u lok stupid.