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56 results for "finis"
Blonde JokeWhy was the blonde so excited when she finished her jigsaw puzzle in 6 months?
Because on the box it said 2-4 years.
Dirty JokeEddie wanted desperately to have sex with the hot girl at work, but she had a boyfriend. One day Eddie got so desperate that he went to her and said " I'll give you 100 dollars if you have sex with me." The girl looked at him shocked and said "hell no!" He said it'll be real quick I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend over and get it, and I'll be finished by the time you've picked it up! She thought for a moment and told him that she would have to talk to her boyfriend. So she called him and explained the situation. Her boyfriend says, " ask him for $200. Pick up the money really fast, and he won't be able to get his pants down!" She agreed and accepts the proposal. 30 minutes go by and the boyfriend is still waiting for his girlfriends call. Finally after 45 minutes, the boyfriend calls and ask "what the fuck happened!" Still breathing hard she managed to reply, " that bastard had all quarters!!!"
Long JokeThe Penis requests a promotion and a raise for the following reasons:
Has to work hard
Has to work at great depths
Has to work upside down
Has no ventilation or air conditioned environment at work
Has to work in a high humidity environment
Has to work at high temperatures
Does not get weekends and holidays off
Does not get time off after extra hours of work
Has a hazardous work environment that often causes professional sickness
Request denied for the following reasons:
Does not work 8 hours in a row
Does not answer immediately to all requests
After a short activity period, falls asleep at work
Shows no fidelity to the workplace
Retires too early
Does not work at all unless pushed from behind
Does not leave the workplace clean after finishing work
Sometimes leaves work, too early
Dirty JokeWhat does a woman and Kentucky Fried Chicken have in common?
By the time you're finished with the breast and thighs, all you have left is the greasy box to put your bone in.
Short JokeI'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
With any luck, right after he finishes college.
Dirty JokeA hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat. The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him.
The nun, surprised by the question, politely declines and gets off at the next stop. When the bus starts again, the bus driver says to the hippie, "If you want, I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you."
The hippie of course says that he'd love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery to pray to the lord. "If you went dressed in robes and some glowing powder," says the bus driver, "You could tell her you were God and command her to have sex with you."
The hippie decides to try this out. That Tuesday, he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun. Right on schedule, the nun shows up. While she's in the middle of praying, the hippie walks out from hiding, in robes and glowing with a mask of god. "I am God, I have heard your prayers and I will answer them but you must have sex with me first," he says. The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity. The hippie agrees to this and quickly sets about having sex with the nun. After the hippie finishes, he rips off his mask and shouts out, "Ha ha, I'm the hippie! " The nun replies by whipping off her mask and shouting, "Ha ha, I'm the bus driver!"
Short JokeDora: what was your favorite part?
Me: well my favorite part was...
Dora: I liked that part too
Me: Bitch let me finish
Short JokeQ: Is google a boy or girl?
A: Obviously a girl because it wont let you finish your sentence without suggesting other ideas
Blonde JokeA blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.
"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said "How about 50 dollars?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch." A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats." Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
One Liners JokeThat awkward moment when you finish a TV series and don't know what to do with your life anymore.
Dirty JokeCharlie was visiting an old friend and his wife for dinner. When the time came to leave, his car wouldn't start, and it was too late to call the local service station.
The husband urged Charlie to stay over. There was no spare bed in the house; there wasn't even a sofa. So Charlie would have to sleep with the husband and wife. No sooner had the husband fallen asleep when the wife taped Charlie on the shoulder and motioned for him to come over to her. "I couldn't do that," he whispered. "Your husband is my best friend!" "Listen, sugar," she whispered back, "there ain't nothing in the whole wide world could wake hime up now." "I can't believe that," Charlie said. "Certainly if I get on top of you and screw you, he'll wake up won't he? "Sugar, he certainly won't. If you don't believe me, pluck a hair out of his asshole and see if that wakes him." Charlie did just that. He was amazed when the husband remained asleep. So he climbed over to the wife's side of the bed and fucked her.
When he finished, he climbed back to his own side. It wasn't long before she tapped him on the shoulder and beckoned him over again. Again he pulled a hair to determine if his old friend was asleep. This went on eight times during the night. Each time Charlie screwed the woman, he first pulled out one of the husband's asshole hairs.
The ninth time he pulled a hair, the husband awoke and muttered: "Listen, Charlie, old pal, I don't mind you fucking my wife, but for Pete's sake, stop using my ass for a scoreboard!"
Short JokeDuring a math exam:
*finishes problem* I got 521.5
Choices: A) 12 B) 14 C) 17
Comebacks JokeGuy 1 - "What you doing today?"
Guy 2 - "Nothing."
Guy 1 - "You did that yesterday..."
Guy 2 - "I wasn't finished."
One Liners JokeMayan Guy: Hey wanna beer?
Other Mayan Guy: I'm working on this calendar, but I guess if I don't finish it won't be the end of the world.
Dirty JokeWhat's the difference between KFC and a woman,when u finish with the thighs and the breast u only have an empty box to put your bone in
Yo Momma JokeYo momma so poor she couldnt even afford to finish this se
Short JokeI must have a great butt, because every time I finish talking to someone and start to walk away. I hear them whisper 'what an ass'
Racial JokeHow do you know when an Asian has been in your house?
Your computer is updated, your math homework is finished, there's a Vietnamese whore in your bathtub with a violin up her ass (thanks to a horny Chen Li), a dog in your microwave, and the bastard is still trying to pull out of your driveway!!!
Long JokeSix retired Floridians play high stakes poker in the condo clubhouse.
A member of the group, Meiers, loses $5,000 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table.
Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five finish playing the hand standing up.
Finkelstein looks around and asks, "So, who's gonna' tell his wife?"
They cut the cards, and Goldberg "wins" the duty. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, not to make a bad situation any worse.
"Discreet? I'm the most discreet person you'll ever meet. Discretion is my middle name," he says. Leave it to me."
Goldberg goes over to the Meiers' apartment and knocks on the door. Mrs. Meiers wife answers and asks what he wants.
Goldberg declares, "Your husband just lost $5,000 playing poker, and is afraid to come home."
"Tell him to drop dead!" says the wife.
"Will do," he says.
Long JokeAn Englishman, a German and a Frenchman are all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze when, all of a sudden, Saudi police rush in and arrest them. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the booze, they are all sentenced to death!
However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they were able to successfully appeal their sentences down to life imprisonment. By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their trial finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheikh decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip.
As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh announced: "It's my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping.
The German was first in line, he thought for a while and then said: "Please tie a pillow to my back. This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. When the punishment was done the German had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain.
The Frenchman was next up. After watching the German in horror he said smugly: "Please fix two pillows to my back." But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again and the Frenchman was soon led away whimpering loudly.
The Englishman was the last one up, but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said: "You are from a most beautiful part of the world and your culture is one of the finest in the world. For this, you may have two wishes!"
"Thank you, your Most Royal and Merciful highness," the Englishman replied. "In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes."
"Not only are you an honorable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave," the Sheikh said with an admiring look on his face. "If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish, what is it to be?" the Sheikh asked.
The Englishman smiled and said, "Tie the Frenchman to my back."
Dirty JokeThere was once a plumber and a housewife. The housewife said "okay you finished cleaning my pipes now get to work on that sink".
Dirty JokeWhat does KFC and sex have in common? once you have finished with the breasts and thighs all you have left is a greasy box to put your bone in!
Puns JokeIs google a woman?
Because it won't let you finish your sentence without coming up with other suggestions.
Dirty JokeIf a woman drinks 2 glasses of wine a day it increases the chance of a stroke. If you let her finish the bottle she'll probably suck it as well.
Dirty JokeGuy - I'd like to buy this EXTRA SMALL condom please.
Cashier - Sir, that is a sleeping bag
Guy - *winks at cashier continually until she finishes her shift*
Short Joke"Hey, did you finish the homework?"
"No, but I have friends who finished."
Dirty JokeThey say nice guys finish last.
Thats because we make sure she finishes first ;)
Celebrities JokeJohn F. Kennedy could finish a drive better than the 2013 Denver Broncos.
Celebrities JokeAbraham Lincoln can finish a play better than the 2013 Broncos.
Racial JokeWhats the difference between usain bolt and hitler
Usain bolt can finish a race
Dirty Jokeso a man and a women go on a date when the finish the man said how bout we go to my place for desert the women said i hope u like crab cakes
Racial JokeI am often asked, "Is google a man or a women?"
My simple answer is:
It's a woman because it won't let you finish your sentence without making a suggestion.
Racial JokeWhats the difference between Adolf Hitler and Usain Bolt Usain Bolt can finish a race
Short JokeTeacher: Did you finish you homework?
Kid: Did you finish grading my test?
Teacher: I have other children's tests to grade
Kid: I have other teachers homework to do
Comebacks JokeTeacher-Did u finish your homework assignment?
Student- Did u grade my math test all of us took yesterday?
Teacher- Well I have other students test to grade and.....
Racial JokeAn American guy goes to Pakistan to get laid. He takes a girl from the street back to his hotel room. After the first round he asks her, "You finish?" She shakes her no.
They go for a second time and again he asks her, "You finish?" But again she shakes her head.
They do it a third time and he is exhausted at this point. He asks her, "You finish?"
She replies, "No, I'm Pakistani."
Racial JokeIndian casenova Anant arranges for a pakistani actresses to come to his room for the evening. Once in the room they undress, climb into bed, and proceeded with screwing for mind blowing sex.
When finished, the he jumps up, runs over to the window, comes back from dark and jumps back into bed with the paki actress and commences to repeat the performance.
The actress is impressed with the gusto of the second encounter. When finished, the he jumps up, runs over to door and comes back from dark, climbs out the other side, jumps back into bed with the her and starts again.
She is amazed as this sequence is repeated four times. During the fifth encore, she was amazed
So when they are done she asks anant , dear anant how can you manage.
Man in bed says - Anant is outside- with tickets saleing to other guys in queue.
Blonde Joke1. Why was the blonde exited when she finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months? Because the box said 2-4 years
2. Why did the blonde sell her car? She needed gas money
3. What do u do when a blonde throws a grenade at you? Pull the pin, and throw it back
4. why do blondes have TGIF written on their shoes? To remind themselves that TOES GO IN FIRST.
5. How did the blonde break her leg raking leaves? She fell out of the tree
6. How do you amuse a blonde for hours? Give her a sheet of paper that says "please turn over" on both sides
7. What did the blonde bring to the super bowl? A spoon
8. What do you call it when a blonde dyes her hair brunette? Artificial intelligence.
9. What is a blonde doing when she holds her hands tightly over her ears? She's trying to hold onto a thought
10. What does a blonde do when you say "it's chilly outside"? She grabs a bowl
11. What do you call a blonde skeleton in a closet? Last years hide and seek champion
12. What did the blonde name her pet zebra? Spot
Dirty JokeJust finished eating Nutella. My hand looks like I excavated my ass.
Racial JokeWhat is the difference between hitler and Michael phelps
Michal phelps can finish a race
Puns JokeWhat's the difference between Usain Bolt and Hitler?
Only one of them completely finished a race.
Dirty JokeA guy goes to a whorehouse and tells the madam he only wants to spend 5 bucks. The madam thinks for a bit, then says, “Betsy. She’s down the hall, last door on the left.”
The guy walks down, sees Betsy — she’s not the best looking, but she would do. He puts it in and it’s the worst feeling he’s ever had on his dick — like sandpaper and teeth. He pulls out and tells her. “Um. something’s wrong, can you do something about that?” Betsy crinkles her face, then says, “Why of course! But it will run you another five bucks.” She pockets the fiver and goes to the bathroom and is back in no time.
The guy puts it back in and now, it’s the complete opposite: it’s the best feeling he’s ever had, and finishes in a flash. Panting, he asks her, “oh my god… that felt amazing… what did you do??” Betsy smiles, and says, “for the extra five bucks, I pick the scabs
Animal JokeAfter leaving a bar, two gay guys saw a dog urinate on a fire hydrant. When the dog finished, he began licking himself. "Boy, I sure wish I could do that!" one guy said to the other.
"Well, go ahead. He doesn't look too vicious." was the reply.
Celebrities JokeWhere's Finick!? Odaire he is!
(Hunger Games ;P )
Dirty JokeBoy: Wanna hear a dirty joke
Boy: My too do list : You
Girl: Finish your list then.
Animal JokeThey say guys are dogs & girls are cats.
That is true 100%, a dog will take a shit anywhere it needs to and not worry about cleaning after it, same as a guy that will get with another girl and not worry too much about covering his ass. Cats will do their dirt and the second they finish they will start to cover it or bury it in the sand, same as a girl that will get with a guy and as soon as she finishes she will try to cover it up in the best way for the guy not to ever find out about it. Hence the comparison of a guy to a dog and a girl to a cat
Long JokeA jockey is about to enter an race on a new horse. The horse's trainer meets him before the race and says, "All you have to remember with this horse is that every time you approach a jump, you have to shout, 'ALLLLEEE OOOP!' really loudly in the horse's ear. Providing you do that, you'll be fine."
The jockey thinks the trainer is mad but promises to shout the command. The race begins and they approach the first hurdle. The jockey ignores the trainer's ridiculous advice and the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.
They carry on and approach the second hurdle. The jockey, somewhat embarrassed, whispers "Aleeee ooop" in the horse's ear. The same thing happens - the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.
At the third hurdle, the jockey thinks, "It's no good, I'll have to do it," and yells, "ALLLEEE OOOP!" really loudly. Sure enough, the horse sails over the jump with no problems. This continues for the rest of the race, but due to the earlier problems the horse only finishes third.
The trainer is fuming and asks the jockey what went wrong. The jockey replies, "Nothing is wrong with me - it's this bloody horse. What is he - deaf or something?"
The trainer replies, "Deaf? Deaf?! He's not deaf. He's blind!"
Long JokeI was in the restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to pass gas. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my gas with the beat of the music. After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee, and noticed that everybody was staring at me... Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.
Long JokeThere was a old man and a teenager at a bar , the old man said to the teenager .I bet you I can drink 2 beers before you can drink 2 shooters and any shooters you pick. And the old man bet $200 for the teenager and the teenager puts $200 also,but the old man said but there is a catch "We are not allowed to touch each other glasses " and the teenager agree .The old man ask can he drink his first beer and then they can begin,the boy know his going to win because is two shots glasses and say go ahead , as the old man finish his first beer he put the glass upside down on the one shooter glass and said let us Begin.
Blonde JokeGirlfriend : I need help with this puzzle
Boyfriend : what is it supposed to look like?
Girlfriend : a tiger
Boyfriend : we are never going to finish this puzzle
Boyfriend : now put the frosted flakes back in the cereal box
Short JokeWhat to do when you want to hang up from a really annoying friend calling you:
FRIEND: So I was like, yip yip yip and yap yap yap and blah blah blah-
ME: hey dude
FRIEND: What? I didn't finish yet
ME: Don't you just hate it when you are in the middle of the sentence and you get cu- *hangs up*
Short JokeI don't always finish my jokes .............
Celebrities JokeI can't believe I'm actually driving to my lawyers office to go ahead and start filing for divorce from my lovely wife Priyanka Chopra. The sooner it starts the sooner it's gonna finish, I just wanna get it over with so i can marry the young lady that swept me off my feet and completely got me head over heels in love with her. Anushka Sharma i love you honey we will soon get married.------------------Dream finishes and i wake up thinking what if, what if?????????????
Dirty JokeA tough looking group of hairy bikers are riding when they see a girl about to jump off a bridge, so they stop. The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?" "I'm going to commit suicide," she says. While he doesn’t want to appear insensitive, he also doesn’t want to miss an opportunity, so he asks, "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?" She does, and it is a long, deep, lingering kiss. After she's finished, the tough, hairy biker says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I’ve ever had! That's a real talent you’re wasting. You could be famous. Why are you committing suicide?" "My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl…"
Long JokeA monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint, when
a lizard walks past. The lizard looks up and says to the monkey “Hey! what are you doing?” The monkey says “Smoking a joint, come up and join me, my cold-blooded friend.”
So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have another joint. After a while the lizard says his mouth is ‘dry’, and that he’s going to get a drink from the river.
At the riverbank, the lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls in. A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the stoned lizard, helping him to the side.
He then asks the lizard, “What’s the matter with you?!” The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting in the tree, smoking a joint with his new monkey friend. He then explained how his mouth got dry, and that he was so wasted that, when he went to get a drink from the river, he fell in!
The inquisitive crocodile says he has to check this out. He walks into the jungle and finds the tree where the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint. He looks up and says “Hey, MONKEY!” The Monkey looks down and says “FUUUUUCK, DUDE……. how much water did you drink?”
Short JokeYou have 20 seconds to finish this hour long quiz about time travel. starting 3 weeks ago.