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100 results for "dicks"
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Comebacks Joke
You should wear a condom on your head because if your gunna act like a dick might as well dress like one
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Dirty Joke
Boy: Mom, why is my cousin named diamonds?
Mom: Because auntie loves diamonds.
Boy: Then how did I get my name?
Mom: Enough questions Dicky.
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Long Joke
This dudes walks into a bar and over the next couple of hours proceeds to get increasingly drunk. Suddenly he spots a guy in the corner with a group of friends and begins to verbally abuse him. "Aye you!" he shouts ."I've shagged your mom!!" The man carries on drinking trying to ignore the guy's drunken rantings. Half an hour later the drunk stands up and renews his abuse. "Aye you!" he shouts even louder this time "I shagged your mom up the ass!" The guy in the corner turns his back on him and continues talking with his friends although by now visibly irate. Half a hour later the drunk pipes up once again. "Aye you, your mom sucked my dick!!" By now the guy in the corner has lost his cool, he stands up furiously and retorts, "For god sake Dad go home, you're embarassing me!"
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Pick Up Lines Joke
My dick is so big when you lay it out on the keyboard it reaches from A-Z!!! ......wait a minute.....
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Dirty Joke
It's a joke, not a dick. Don't take it so hard.
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Dirty Joke
Condom Slogans:
1) Cover your stump before you hump.
2) Especially in December, wrap your member.
3) Don't be a loner, cover your boner.
4) If you go into heat, package your meat.
5) Never never deck her with an unwrapped pecker.
6) She wont get sick if you wrap your dick.
7) If you think she's spunky, cover your monkey.
8) Before you attack her, protect your whacker.
9) If you're not going to sack it, go home and whack it.
10) No Glove, No Love!
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Comebacks Joke
I see those penis enlargement pills are working, you're a bigger dick today than you were yesterday.
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Chuck Norris Joke
Chuck Norris got caught blow drying his dick.He look in thats bitches eye and said:
How hot do you want your dinner?
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One Liners Joke
Maybe your dick is so small because you took 3/4 of it and shoved it in your personality.
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Dirty Joke
You: do you like tapes and CD's?
Friend: ya why?
You: good because you're going to CD's nuts when I tape my dick to your face!
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Dirty Joke
A teacher asks a blonde girl to use "Handsome" in a sentence.
She says, "When I'm suckin dick, and my jaw gets sore I use my handsome times."
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Dirty Joke
One day, a bartender put up a sign on his door that read "If you can make my horse laugh, I'll give you a free beer." A guy walked in and said "I'd like to try," and the bartender showed him to the horse's stall out back and let him in. The bartender went back to the bar and waited, and the man came back and said "He's laughing, where's my beer?" The bartender was surprised and went back to check. Sure enough, the horse was laughing, so he gave the man a free beer. The bartender asked, "How did you do that?" The man said, "It's my secret,'' and left. The next day, the bartender saw that his horse was laughing non-stop. and it was beginning to irritate him. Frustrated by this, he put up a sign saying, "If you can make the horse cry, I'll give you two free beers." The same man walked in and said "I'd like to try" and the bartender showed him to the horse stall again and went back to the bar to wait. The man came back and sure enough, said, "The horse is crying, now, give me my free beers." The bartender was surprised once again. He went back to the stall to check, and sure enough, the horse was crying. The bartender asked the man again, "How in the world did you do that? Will you please tell me?" The man said, "Okay, okay, I'll tell you. First I told the horse my dick was bigger than his, and the second time, I showed it to him."
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Short Joke
Boy: Hi.
Girl: I have a boyfriend.
Boy: I said hi, not suck my dick.
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Dirty Joke
*My dad helping me find a gf*
Dad: What do you want most in a woman?
Me: My dick.
*Grounded and high fived*
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Dirty Joke
Cop on horse says to little girl on bike, "Did Santa get you that?"
"Yes," replies the little girl.
"Well tell him to put a reflector light on it next year!" and fines her $5.
The little girl looks up at the cop and says, "Nice horse you've got there, did Santa bring you that?"
The cop chuckles and replies, "He sure did!"
"Well," says the little girl, "Next year tell Santa that the dick goes under the horse, not on top of it!"
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Dirty Joke
What did O say to Q
Dude your dicks hanging out
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Dirty Joke
A dick has a sad life. His hair is a mess; his family is nuts; his next-door neighbor is an asshole; his best friend is a pussy, and his owner beats him habitually.
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Dirty Joke
I named my new puppy Dick.
He only comes when you grab and pull on him.
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Comebacks Joke
Friend: You get those CD's?
Me: What CD's?
Friend: CD's NUTS BITCH!
Me: Oh good one did Wilma tell you that one?
Friend: Who the fuck is Wilma?
Me: Wilma my dick fit in your mouth!?
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Dirty Joke
It was a joke not a dick, don't take it so hard.
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One Liners Joke
I'd tell ya about my dick, but that would be a long story.
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Short Joke
When you hear the sound of thunder, don’t you get too scared.
Just grab your thunder buddy and say these magic words:
FUCK YOU THUNDER, YOU CAN SUCK MY DICK!
You can’t get me thunder, cause you’re just God’s farts.
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Comebacks Joke
Say addicted after everything I say.
drugs.
"addicted"
alcohol.
"addicted"
What hit you in the face last night?
"A dick did"
hahahaha
"f**k you"
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Comebacks Joke
You should learn to take a joke as easily you take a dick, whore.
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Dirty Joke
Don't ever let your girl talk to another guy about her problems; a shoulder to cry on, becomes a dick to ride on.
#Based on a true story
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Pick Up Lines Joke
What do you like most in a woman?
My Dick.
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Comebacks Joke
Sorry for calling you a whore all those times. I didn't realize a lack of love from your parents leaves a hole in your heart that only dicks can fill.
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Dirty Joke
There was a guy, a girl, and three dogs. The guy said I want to go coon hunting, the girl said I don't want to go. The guy said you have two choices, suck my dick, or we have sex. He went and got the dogs ready, when he came back in she gave him head, and said this tastes like dog shit. He said I know, the dogs didn't want to go coon hunting either.
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Short Joke
How's the name Hurricane Sandy threatening? If you really want to scare people, call it Hurricane DickSmash.
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Comebacks Joke
You should wear a condom on your head because if your gunna act like a dick might as well dress like one.
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Dirty Joke
My girl caught me blowing my dick with the air dryer, and asked what I was doing? Apparently "heating your dinner" wasn't a good answer.
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Dirty Joke
They call my dick "Dragon" cause I keep draggin it :)
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Short Joke
When I was born I was given 2 choices, a big dick or good memory...
Unfortunately, I can't remember which one I picked.
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Short Joke
Hey my dick just died. Do you mind if i bury it in your ass?
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Dirty Joke
Ladies, if your husband can't stop masturbating to porn, then I suggest that you start sucking his dick.
'Don't pay me pay it foward.' - Peter Griffin
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Comebacks Joke
My friend: Your dick is probably like a tic tac.
Me: No wonder your moms mouth is so fresh.
Class: OOOOHHHHHH!!!
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Dirty Joke
Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house everyone felt shitty even the mouse.
Mom at the whorehouse and dad smoking grass, I settled down for a nice piece of ass.
When all of a sudden I heard such a clatter, I sprung from my place to see what was the matter.
When out on the lawn I saw a big dick, I new in a moment it must be Saint Nick.
He came down the chimney like a bat out of hell, I knew in a moment the f*cker had fell.
He filled all of our stockings with pretzels and beer and a big rubber dick for my brother the queer.
He rose up the chimney with a thunderous fart, the son of a b*tch tore the chimney apart.
He swore and he cursed as he flew out of sight, "piss on you all and have a hell of a night." :)
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Dirty Joke
Hickory Dickory Dock, A whore Was sucking my cock, as the clock struck two I shot my goo and dropped the b*tch on the next block
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Dirty Joke
I don't get it. If sperm contains more life than blood, then why don't vampires suck dick?
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Comebacks Joke
My names not a dick so keep it out of your mouth ! WHORE!!
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Dirty Joke
I am not calling you a slut,but if dick had wings your mouth would be the airport.
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Dirty Joke
There was a black man, a Mexican, and an Asian in a car. A gay cop pulls them over near a rest-stop. The cop says, "I'll let you guys go if the total of your dicks reaches 10 inches long. Drop some trou' or it's off to the clink." "Mine is 7", says the black man proudly as he displayed it. "Well done", said the impressed cop. The Mexican pulled down his pants to reveal a 2 and 1/2 incher. The Asian shrieked, "I swear that I have at least a half-inch part! I will not show you it! I never tell a lie!". The cop sniffed, "Fine, I didn't want to see yours anyway".
As the three were driving away, the Asian smirked, "Ha! You both lucky I had boner!"
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Comebacks Joke
Boy: Hi.
Girl: I have a boyfriend.
Boy: I said hi, not suck my dick.
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One Liners Joke
Having a small dick is the leading cause of acting like a big one.
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Dirty Joke
how is a woman like a condom? Both spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.
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Racial Joke
There was once a black boy, a jewish boy, and an Italian in 3rd grade. One day, they decided to play "who has the biggest dick". The Jew whipped it out, and then the Italian, and then the black. They looked at the black dick in astonishment, and told him it's huge because he's black.
That night at the dinner table, he told his parents "the other boys at school said that my dick is big because I'm black, is this true?" She replied, "no son, it's because you're 24".
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Dirty Joke
I see you ordered the most expensive item on the menu for our first date. I hope you realize that it comes with a side order of my dick.
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Comebacks Joke
guy: suck my dick
me: sorry I cant put small things in my mouth I will choke
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Dirty Joke
their was four women right? and they all had a counsling session together. it was a class for addictions. so the coulsler guy turns to the group. " ok all of your addictions reflect in the name of your child." he looks at the first lady... your addicted to money theirfor your doughters name is penny. he turns to the second one. your addicted to food, and so your doughers name is kandi, he turns to the third one, and your adicted to meth, and ur doughters name is cristal, then he turns to the fourth women, and before he could say a word the lady stands up and says stop. then she grabs her sons hand and begins to leave... "c'mon dick were leaving".
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Pick Up Lines Joke
Are you from Ireland coz my dick is Dublin'.
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Dirty Joke
When girls be like, "SUCK MY DICK!" Everybody laughs, but when boys yell, "EAT MY PUSSY!" Shit gets awkward.
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Long Joke
There is this man who spent the entire day watching the fishing channel. Once he is done, he goes to the kitchen where his wife is and says "Listen honey, I have just declared it. We are going on a fishing trip, you, me and the dog." The wife then replies "No way, I don't wanna go fishing." The man then replies "Well then I'm going to give you 3 options. 1. You can give me a blowjob 2. I can f*ck you up the ass or 3. You can just suck it up and go fishing w/me and the dog. Now I'm going to the garage and get everything I need ready. I'll be back in an hour and you better have your answer.
So he goes to the garage, prepares everything and comes back in an hour as promised. "Well, so what do you want to do?" the man asks. "I'll give you a blow job." the wife replies. So she starts sucking his dick and after 10 seconds, she starts complaining "Oh my God, this is disgusting, your dick tastes like absolute shit." The man then replies "Yeah, the dog didn't wanna go either."
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Dirty Joke
Middle schoolers 10 years ago: the wheels on the bus go round and round. Round and round.
Middle schoolers now: me dick in her pussey goes in and out. In and out.
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Dirty Joke
A man was shaving in the bathroom when all of a sudden bubba, the boy he payed to mow his lawn comes in to take a piss. Well, the man cant help but look over his shoulder and he is surprised, "bubba, whats your secret?" Bubba says"well, every night before i go to get in bed with a woman i whack my dick on the bedpost three times." So the man decides to try it that very night. So he got to bed and whacked his dick on the bedpost three times and the wife wakes.up and says"bubba, is that you?"
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Comebacks Joke
Freind: your a dick
Me: at least I can use it
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Dirty Joke
What's the difference between my dick and a flower? Nothing, their both for your mom.
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Comebacks Joke
Guy 1: your a pussy
Guy2: i am what i eat
Guy1: then your a dick
Guy2: i am what i have
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Comebacks Joke
"Your gay!" yells a angry boy.
"Hey, what's the difference between your jokes and your dick?" asks the other guy.
"I don't know, what?"
"No one laughs at your jokes"
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Dirty Joke
Did I tell you the joke about my dick? never mind its too long.
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Celebrities Joke
how is kris humphries trying to get kim kardashian back?
by painting his dick black
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Pick Up Lines Joke
Ever been to Uganda?
Cause Uganda be bouncin' on dis dick.
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Dirty Joke
girl:wats up
boy:the sky
girl:reallyy
boy:nope my dick
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Dirty Joke
Your best friend has three girlfriends. Their names are Doe, Ray, and Me.
All 3 want to do something special so they set up some dates.
Three days ago Doe kisses him.
Two days ago Ray gives him vaginal sex.
Yesterday, who sucks his dick?
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Dirty Joke
I hope u like tapes and CDs. because I'm going to tape my dick to your head so u can CDs nuts
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Dirty Joke
I think I'm allergic to your face. My dick gets swollen every time I see it.
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Comebacks Joke
Your friend: Stop fat b*tch
Me: thats what your mom called my dick
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Dirty Joke
Worst way to ask for anal:
"Aww come on...I bet my dick is tiny compared to some of the shits you've taken!"
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Dirty Joke
My colleague said to me, "I bet you can't see your dick when you look down in the shower."
"No, just your daughter's head," I replied.
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Dirty Joke
Girl: I wear heels bigger than your dick.
Boy: I wear Vans cleaner than your pussy.
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Comebacks Joke
(My friend Angel cracking on this ugly ass white dude)
Ugly ass white dude- Shut up Osama before i report u to the DEA
Angel- Your moms part of my DEA
Ugly ass white dude- Oh yeah whts that?
Angel- Dick Enjoyment Association
Me and my friends- Oh!!!!!!!!!
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Pick Up Lines Joke
Hey my dick just died, can I bury it in your ass?
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Dirty Joke
What's the difference between jam and jelly?
I can't jelly my dick up your ass.
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Dirty Joke
Me: If I washed my dick would you suck it?
Her: NO!
Me: You dirty cock sucker
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Long Joke
Son: "Hey Mom"
Mom: " What?"
Son: "I like dick"
Mom: "WHAT?!?!?!?!"
Son: "Oh im sorry, i mean Rick"
Mom: "He does have a good dick"
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Comebacks Joke
Boy: Stank pussy
Me: Little Dick.
Boy: Bitch my dick hang two inches....from the ground!!!
Me: Yeaa when your laying on your stomach mothaf*cka!!
Class: Ooooooooo!!!
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Short Joke
Me: Knock knock
Friend: Who's there
Me: Dick
Friend: Dick whoo
Me: Haha look, a gay owl
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Comebacks Joke
Boy: I wonder why I always get a boner when I look into a mirror?
Girl: Because your dick thinks you're a pussy too!
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Dirty Joke
Friend: dude tomorrow is my girlfriend's birthday... what should i give her?
Me: give her your dick
Friend: idiot... i want something big for her..
Me: give her my dick then :D
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Dirty Joke
Are you a Raisin?
Cause you be a Raisin my dick!
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Comebacks Joke
Sorry i can't understand you when your choking on a dick, faggot. )'.'(
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Short Joke
If man think with their dicks, wouldnt a blowjob be mindblowing
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Dirty Joke
Boy: Wanna here a joke about my Dick? Nevermind, its to long.
Girl: Wanna here a joke about my pussy? Nevermind, you'll never get it.
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Dirty Joke
Two preists were in the showers. One of the preist gets out to get spme soap when three nuns walk in. The preist instantly freezes hold a bar of soap in each hand. "what a life like statue" syays one of the nuns and they all start feeling the preist all over. One nun pulls his dick and he drops a bar of soap. " And its a soap despencer as well!" the nun says. the second nun pulls his dick and he drops another bar of soap. the thrid nun pulls his dick and nothin happens. she pulls again this time harder but still nothing happens. she pulls his dick again and again until at last she says "and its a moisturiser!!!"
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Dirty Joke
Guy: Wanna suck my dick?
Girl: No.
Guy: Probably for the best. I mean, it has a label-Warning! Choking Hazard!
Girl: Isn't that the warning put on tiny objects?
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Dirty Joke
(Dad's daughter walks up to him)
Daughter- Dad i gotta tell u something...
Dad- Whats tht?
Daughter- I'm a lesbian.
Dad- Okay.
(Dad walks around then his other daughter comes up to him)
Daughter #2- Dad i gotta tell u something...
Dad- Whts tht?
Daughter #2- I'm a lesbian.
Dad- Damn, does anybody in this house like dick?
Son- I do!!!!
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Pick Up Lines Joke
If your two legs are slices of bread can my dick be the peanut butter
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Dirty Joke
A guy named bob works at a deli. One day he goes to his doctor and says "Doc, I really want to stick my dick in the pickle slicer" The doctors responds with "No dont it will hurt and you will never lose your virginty! "Hey I have had sex before" And with that he leave's. The next day bob comes back and says "Doc I did it" The doctor says"well are you ok?" "Im fine but I was fired" "what about the pickle slicer?" The doctor asks "she was fired to!
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Comebacks Joke
Douche: Hey queer
Me: Sorry I couldn't hear you with all that dick in your mouth...
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Short Joke
I asked my girlfriend what movie my dick reminded her of...
She replied, "Chicken Little"
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Comebacks Joke
Friend 1: Thank you, Captain Obvious!
Friend 2: Your welcome, Sergeant Sarcasm!
Friend 1: Indeed, Comrade Comeback!
Friend 2: Thank you, Senior Smartass!
Friend 1: Anytime, Dictator Dickhead!
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Comebacks Joke
Douche: My dick comes with a choking hazard warning.
Girl: Don't they only put that on small objects?
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Dirty Joke
Boy: I got My dick sucked last night!
Other Boy : Nigga I get More Head than a pillow
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Dirty Joke
So there's this dick and a cucumber and the dick and the cucumber are talking about who has it worse and the cucumber says to the dick I think I have it worse because I thrown into vinegar and left out to turn into a pickle and the dick says no I have it worse I get shoved into a dark place and get my head smashed against a wall until I throw up
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Dirty Joke
What do sharpies and dicks have in common? The black one's are used more.
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Dirty Joke
If ms. pacman will eat balls for 25 cents will she suck dick for a dollar.
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Long Joke
This is a story about the girl that didn't know what cursing was. It was Thanksgiving evening and the young girl was sleeping in her bedroom and she heard her parents having sex in the next bedroom over. She hears the dad say, "oh honey I love your luscious tits" and she hears the mom say, "oh baby I love your slim dick". So the next morning, the daughter walks up to the dad and says, "Hey dad, what are luscious tits?" the dad panics and says, "It's a fine coat". She then walks up to the mom and says, "Hey mom, what's a slim dick?". The mom panics and says, "It's a pair of boots". Later on that day, everybody's getting ready for the Holiday. The girl walks past the bathroom and sees her dad shaving. He cuts himself on the cheek and shouts, "Shit!". The daughter then asks,"What does shit mean" and the dad replies, "I'm shaving right now sweety". The girl walks into the kitchen and sees her mom trying to cook the turkey. The mom accidentally drops the turkey and shouts, "Fuck". The daughter then asks, "hey mom, what does f*ck mean" and the mom replies, "I'm cooking the turkey sweety". About an hour later friends and family arrive at the door. The girl answers the door and says, "Hello everyone hang up your luscious tits and drop your slim dicks, my dad is upstairs shitting and my mom's f*cking the turkey".
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Dirty Joke
A girl has a sleepover with 3 guys. Then her dad comes down and paints her vagina purple. He tells the boys,''I'm going to sleep. When I come back i'm going to check and see if any of you had sex with my daughter.'' An hour later, he wakes up and checks everybody. When he checks the first two boys their penises are purple so he knows they had sex with his daughter. When he checks the last guy his dick is clean. The dad says ''Good job.''
When the third boy opens his mouth to say thanks, his mouth is purple!
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Short Joke
What does a rubik's cube and a dick have in common?
The more you play with it, the harder it gets.
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Pick Up Lines Joke
My dick died.
Can i burry it in you?
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Dirty Joke
A guy who was in the Air Force had just spent a year unaccompanied in Shemya, Alaska. The first night home, he told his wife he had something to show her.
"I've mastered the art of mind over matter. Just watch this!" And with that he dropped his trousers and shorts and stood before her in his altogether. "Dick, ten-HUT!" And with that, his dick sprang to full erection. "Dick, at EASE!" And his dick deflated again.
"That was amazing," said his wife. "Can I bring over our neighbor to show her?"
The guy responded that he didn't mind at all, since he was proud of his accomplishment. So his wife brought back a delicious looking woman.
"Dick, ten-HUT!" And his penis sprang up. "Dick, at EASE!" Nothing. "Dick, at EASE!" Still nothing. "For the last time, Dick -- at EASE!"
Frustratingly enough, nothing happened. Embarrassed, he ran off to the bathroom. Worried, his wife ran after and found that he was vigorously masturbating.
"What are you doing?"
"I'm giving this guy a dishonorable discharge!"