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Bitch: A wise man once told me to be myself and now I'm way ahead of you in lifeMe: Whoever told you to be yourself couldn't have given you worse advice
Sometimes just to annoy my therapist, I ask him, "So how does my lack of progress make you feel?"
BULLY- Oh you wear a size XXL (crowd laughs)
KID- No that's the size of my condoms.
Mom: Go clean your room!
Me: But its MY room.
Mom: And this is MY house.
Me: Then you go clean it.