Best Blonde Jokes of All Time
This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all
these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid,
so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are
smart. While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is
going to paint a couple of rooms in the house.
The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets
down to the task at hand. Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and
smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living
room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat.
He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at
the same time.
He goes over and asks her if she is OK. She replies yes. He asks
what she is doing. She replies that she wanted to prove to him
that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by
painting the house. He then asks her why she has a ski jacket
over her fur coat. She replies that she was reading the
directions on the paint can and they said....
FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS.
Death: It's your time. give me your hand
Blonde: No! i know that if i dont touch you then I'll never die!
Death: Holy shit! You figured out the key to living forever! You're soooo smart! High five!
Blonde: *high fives*
Death: Typical blonde... Dumbass...
There are three moms. A Brunette, a Redhead, and a Blonde.
They were all talking one day and the brunette says "Oh my gosh y'all I went through my daughter's purse the other day to get some gum, and I found an ounce of weed. I cannot believe she smokes weed."
They comfort her, and the redhead says "Yeah, well I found a fake I. D. In my daughter's purse. I cannot believe she has one". So they all comfort her.
Then the blonde says "That's nothing. I found a condom in my daughter's purse. I just cannot believe she has a penis"
This is a true story of a poor dizzy blond flying in a two-seater airplane with just the pilot.
He has a heart attack and dies. She, frantic,calls out a May Day.
"May Day! May Day! Help Me! Help Me! My pilot had a heart attack and is dead and I don't know how to fly. Help Me! Please Help Me!"
She hears a voice over the radio saying:
"This is Air Traffic Control and I have you loud and clear. I will talk you through this and get you back on the ground. I've had a lot of experience with this kind of problem. Now, just take a deep breath. Everything will be fine! Now give me your height and position!"
She says, "I'm 5'4 and i'm in the front seat."
"O.K." says the voice in the radio.......
"Repeat after me: Our father who art in heaven........"
there are 3 girls on a island. they are blond, brunette and a black haired.
after 3 weeks of starvation god comes down and says "Go home alredy. i will give you 1 wish each. use it wisley.
the brunette says "i want to go home!" and poof she goes home.
the black says "i want to go home!" and poof she goes home.
the the blonde says "i want my friends back!"
A blonde really got tired of all blonde jokes and decided to hang herself in the bathroom. As she locked the door, she yelled at her husband, "I'm hanging myself because I'm tired of jokes about us blondes being stupid!" Her husband broke into the bathroom and saw his wife with a rope tied on her toe. The husband said, "I thought you were hanging yourself." She said, "Yes, I am!" The husband replied, "Usually when people hang themselves, they tie the rope around their neck, so why is yours tied on your toe?" She said, "I tried that, but I couldn't breathe."
A blind man walks into a bar, makes his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender. "Hey, You wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is only fair that you should know five things.
Number One. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
Number Two. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
Number Three. I'm a six-foot-tall, 175 lb. Blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
Number Four. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.
Number Five. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
She concludes by smugly asking, "Now think about it seriously, mister.
Do you still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five f*cking times."
Brunette: I'll be the first brunette to walk on Mars!
Ginger: I'll be the first ginger to walk on Venus!
Blonde: I'll be the first blonde to walk on the sun!
Ginger: You'll burn up if you try.
Blonde: Don't worry, I'll go at night
A blonde and red head are walking in the woods when then red head has a heart attack and falls to the ground. Shocked, the blonde takes out her phone and calls the police and she shouts, "I think my friend is dead what do I do?". The policeman on the phone says, "Calm down and listen to me. First make sure that he really is dead." There is a silence. Then a loud gunshot. The blonde gets back on the phone and says, "Okay, now what?"
Anna said to her mother, "My hands are freezing cold."
The mother replied, "Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up."
Anna did and her hands warmed up.
The next day, the Anna was riding with her boyfriend who said, "My hands are freezing cold."
Anna replied, "Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them up."
He did and it warmed his hands.
The next day the boyfriend was again driving with Anna and said, "My penis is frozen solid."
The following day, Anna was driving in the buggy with her mother, and she says to her mother, "Have you ever heard of a penis?"
Slightly concerned the mother said, "Why, yes. Why do you ask?"
Anna replies, "They make one heck of a mess when they defrost, don't they?"
a Blonde a brunet and a redhead are about to be executed the brunet goes up first the executioner yells ready aim and the brunet yells earthquake the brunet escapes then its the redheads turn the executioner yells ready aim the redhead yells tornado she escapes too then the blonds goes up she knows what the other 2 did the executioner yells ready aim and the blonde yells fire...... think about it and kickass if you get it
a blonde walks into a shop and asks how much is that t.v in the back.
shopkeeper replies sorry i dont serve blondes.
the blonde went away and died her hair brown and went back the very next day and asked again.
the shop keeper says sorry i dont serve blondes.
the blonde went away and died her hair blue and went back the next day and asked one last time.
the shop keeper replies sorry i dont serve blondes.
the blonde asks how can you tell that im blonde?
the shop keeper replies thats not a T.V thats a microwave.
There's a blonde. She enters a laughing contest. There's 10 levels to the contest. She gets to the 9th level and bursts into laughter. The host asks her "Why did you laugh, you could have won." The blonde reply's, "I finally got the first joke."
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead were atop a 5 story building when a genie appeared and told them to run to the edge, jump off, and name anything they want to become. the brunette ran, jumped off, and said butterfly, the redhead ran jumped and said eagle, the blonde ran tripped over the edge and said "ah shit!"
A pakistani girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit.
The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.
Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!
The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.
Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house, Anant steps out of the car and enters the house.
He sits in the living room with the father, the mother and the girl, and tells them, Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. However, I can't marry her because of my personal family situation, but I'll take charge.
If a girl is born, I will bequeath her two retail stores, a townhouse, a beach villa and a $2,000,000 bank account.
If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $5,000,000 bank account. If it is twins, a factory and $2,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?
At this point, the father who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the Anant's shoulder and tells him:
Then you try again !
There once was a magic mirror which would kill you if you lied to it. One day a brunette was doing her makeup and said to herself "I think I'm the smartest woman ever!" She immediately dropped dead. The next day a redhead was doing her hair and said to herself "I think I'm the prettiest woman alive!" She immediately dropped dead. Finally, the following day, a blond was flossing her teeth. She stopped and said to herself "I think," and dropped dead.